the shepherd's sword

i hope you realize

i hope you realize that i lie and tell them all that you're my cousin. to save both of us from embarrassment. why else would i be dragging you out of bars in the waning hours of night, as the sun is just beginning to peek over the trees to stare at a tired girl trying to be a mother to a boy who is actually a man?

i hope you realize that in some ways, i hate you. you constantly mess up. you never listen. you take advantage of my kindness, and i see that. but something inside, something irritating will not let me leave you passed out at some party. perhaps it's what one calls "morality."

i hope you realize that your sister is doing fantastic. she's actually gotten her act together: no more flunking classes, no more fights, no more cigarettes. i watched her flush her last pack down the toilet. she won't admit it, but she's proud of herself. but she's also tired.

i hope you realize that blaming your father is a waste of time. he's a work-a-holic and an alcoholic, but the last one you can't deny, either. so don't be hypocritical.

i hope you realize that you're throwing your life away. you were always the smartest person i knew. i really could have used your help in my a.p. biology class this year. it's pathetic- where you are compared to what you could have been.

but do you know what i know you don't realize? that i loved you. that in some ways, i think i'll always love you. you'll never realize that the only reason i've put up with everything you've put us both through is because yes, i fell in love with you. the boy who nearly became a brain surgeon but instead decided to find his lost mother at the bottom of a bottle.

you won't find her there. i'm sorry she's gone. but more than that, i'm sorry that now, too, you are gone.