Under the Cover of Darkness

13 | Carson

It felt like a giant bird picked me up and dropped me in the middle of the goddamned ocean.

I was in the middle of going through a catalogue of songs from the 90's and I was getting increasingly flustered with the amount of punk rock bands that kept popping up.

Twice I had to remind myself why I was doing this, thrice I had to physically restrain myself from tossing my laptop through the glass wall of my 17th floor office.

I was surprising myself with the intensity of how bad I wanted to find the perfect song. The image of Butterfly's flawless face illuminating with joy spurred me on.

It was then that I finally realized that I was totally and utterly whipped. For anyone else, this would be a ridiculous task to even consider. But for Butterfly spending useful working hours going through rock music was suddenly top priority.

The side door to my office opened and I quickly shut my laptop. I realized how guilty that made me look but I would shoot myself in the head before I let anyone see what I was up to.

It was only Alex who struggled to balance an armful of ring binders and an iPad.

When she got closer I grabbed the iPad from the top of the pile and sat back to look through the contents. Alex let the pile land on my desk with a sigh and swiped a hand through her sweaty brow that had some of her brown hair stuck to it.

I was in the process of scheduling a conference call with our Georgia branch when I felt the heat of a stare.

Looking up, I caught Alex's bright blue eyes trained on me. I hadn't noticed how they seemed to shine with a genuine enthusiasm that the rest of her lacked. And even though I found them sort of pretty, it was becoming creepy how she stared without blinking.

“Alex?” I finally said when I couldn't take our stare-off anymore.

She blinked and as if she'd just glitched, shook whatever that was off before plastering a formal smile on. “Yes?”

“You were staring.”

“Oh that. It's fine, everything's fine.”

I didn't buy it. “Alex?”

She sighed and closed her eyes briefly. “Fine, I'll come right out and ask. Are you ok?”

It wasn't the question that produced the startled look on my face but it was the concern behind Alex's frown and the hint of kindness that surrounded the question.

In all of the four years that she'd been my PA, Alex had never once asked if I was ok. I didn't blame her, I wasn't exactly the kind of guy who made it easy for anyone to ask but now that she'd summoned the courage to ask I feared that the black hole inside me wasn't as effective in keeping the misery inside where it belonged.

True, I hated it because it was the reason I couldn't emotionally connect with anyone but it had its uses in these four walls: it kept the emotions at bay. And with my emotions in check, I could do my business more effectively.

“I'm fine,” I answered with a finality in my tone that suggested that this sort of thing should never repeat itself.

I went back to the iPad but a few minutes later the feeling was back. Jesus fucking Christ!

I looked up again only to find that Alex hadn't moved. In fact, it was like we'd never even talked and I had this weird time-warp, alternate-universe feeling.

Her blue eyes were starting to unsettle me but at the same time I couldn't help but feel like there was something familiar about those stark black pupils. Something that seemed to call out to me.