Dear Daiary

The Finale

December 26, 2013

It was a few minutes to 11 in the evening of the 25th, and all the roads to the hospital were blocked by a thick layer of snow. I had not prepared my feet for the cold trek, since the weather this morning was neither this snowy, nor this cold.

Still, I had to see May. I made a promise that I would visit her today. I was determined to fulfill my promise to her, and I would not let anything bring me down, or stand in my way.

At the top of the hill was the familiar hospital, the one I had been working in for a few months now. I was surprised that the guard by the emergency room doors recognized me and barred me from entering, reminding me that I am no longer an employee of the hospital. How could that happen? I donned a hat, a large pair of sunglasses, and drew false freckles on my face, just to disguise myself.

"You have to let me in! My sister is inside!" I did not care if they would continue to berate me for what I have done. All I did was step up for my sister. They gave her opioid analgesics that she did not need. She may have needed the anaesthetic drugs for the surgery, but they dulled her senses and kept her asleep for far longer than expected. A deliberate overdose? Perhaps, but they would not listen to me.

The guard refused to give in. “I’m sorry, Miss Hanley, but the medical director had instructed us to deny you entry to the hospital’s premises.” He had a job to do, and I understood this, but how could he be so uncaring?

"I am not here as a nurse, but as the sister of a patient. I am Amy Mari Hanley, sister to May Mari Hanley… who is inside this hospital!" 

The guard heaved a sigh, and instructed me to pass by a back entrance that was restricted to employees of the hospital. “I won’t be taking responsibility for you. If anything happens, don’t you even dare trying to implicate me into your delinquency.”

I hurriedly ran into the employee’s entrance, and tried to go up to the ward where May was confined, taking care not to grab notice of the nurses and doctors who may recognize me.

The only nurse in that ward was Ashley, who I have made arrangements with, previously.

I hurried onto the nurses’ station, took off my hat and sunglasses, and hurriedly asked her, “How is May? Did you read the letter to her?” I was counting on her to do so, after all, she was the only co-worker of mine who I trusted to such an extent.

"Why don’t you go check for yourself. She’s still awake, but I think one of the other nurses checked up on her medications. We found that she didn’t take the tranquilizers that were prescribed to her. Diazepam, if I’m not mistaken? There also seemed to be an order for sufentanil IV." Her tone was awfully cold.

"An anxiolytic? How many times have I told you that May doesn’t need tranquilizers? When I last checked, they didn’t even prescribe her a regular adult dose, it was ten times the amount!"

"Don’t you get it? They’re overdosing her  so that she’ll die of poisoning or overdosage instead. It was my suggestion. Since looking for a cure is hopeless, why don’t we put her to sleep? She’s just one person, versus the millions we would save from another, more virulent pandemic." I could not understand how Ashley, who I trusted very much and always lauded for being such a good nurse… I looked up to her. I wanted to be like her. This was not the time for me to be unbiased. My sister’s life was at stake!

"Her condition isn’t even deteriorating. She is healthy now, if you ignore the benign brain tumor she had and the amputated arm. We don’t even know how this new disease work-"

"Exactly. We’re preventing the masses from contracting it, by eliminating the source."

"You mean, killing my sister?"

"She’ll die anyway."

I stormed off, and ran towards May’s room. Ashley chased after me and grabbed me by my scarf, saying, “Don’t think I’ll let you run off like that. Just because we’re friends doesn’t mean I can let my biases prevail. I’m only doing my job, to save the lives of people… and the lives of more people over the life of just one.” She stopped for a while, clearing her throat. “I don’t even understand why I’m doing this for you. You’re not even supposed to be here. If you didn’t fight against the doctors before May’s surgery, this wouldn’t have happened.”

I left Ashley alone, and entered May’s room, taking out the quilt from my bag. May greeted me weakly as she shivered, painting the biggest smile she could muster on her face. I gave her a tight hug, and tucked her into the quilt that I had spread out for her.

"I wanna get out of here, Nurse Amy." Her voice was very soft, and she was sniffing in between words.

"May, are you alright? I’ll take you out of here, I promise." I tried to palpate her neck just to check if she was alright, and it seemed like she was running a slight fever. Still, we had to get out here, as quickly as we could.

"I don’t like it here."

"But you have a slight fever, I have to…" I was thinking of taking a few blankets from the linen room to wrap her with, or taking off my own jacket, but I then remembered that Ashley and I have given her three scarves.

I wrapped each of the scarves around May, hoping that they would keep her warm enough. “Are these too hot, or is it just right?”

"I feel okay now," she faintly replied. I picked her up from the bed and carried her, making sure that she was still swaddled in the quilt. I then ran as quickly as I could towards the fire exit, no longer caring if anyone had seen me run off that way. Dashing through the endless staircase in the fastest speed I could, I never turned back, covering May’s mouth as she would yelp.

As soon as we left the hospital, I took a short breather, and began to run again towards my house, although not as swiftly as I cascaded down the fire exit of the hospital. I pulled my hand away from May’s mouth, realizing that she had bitten against it sharply.

"Nurse Amy… I feel dizzy." ‘Just hang in there, May,’ I thought to myself. The closer we were to my house, the louder the sirens that broke the silence of the night were. I don’t know if they were after me, and I didn't care. I headed towards my paternal grandparents’ house instead. Before I could even rap against the door, my grandmother opened the door, beckoning for us to come in.

My one-track mind at the time made me do away with my usual custom of greeting my grandparents, or even speaking to them, at least, not until I was able to ensure that May was safe.

"May? Are you alright?"

There was no response. She remained still as I laid her on the sofa and unwrapped the quilt and all of the scarves from her body. Her skin was cold to the touch, but she was still breathing, so I remained hopeful. My grandmother asked me who the girl I brought home was, but I didn’t answer. I was getting worried, so I tried to wake May up. She wouldn’t budge for a good while. Tears began to well up in my eyes, fearing that perhaps, May had been given sufentanil in high doses, leading to respiratory depression.

"Why don’t you give her this ice bag, Amy? I placed a special concoction inside that should bring her back to usual warmth." My grandmother’s shrill voice broke through the crackling I could hear from the fireplace. I turned my head to face her, and took the ice bag from her, nodding and giving her my thanks, under my breath. I was hoping with all my heart that May was alright, my grandmother taking my worry off my head by asking me questions about my day, which I mindlessly answered.

That did not truly displace the worry off my head, however. I had to check on May again. Upon rushing to the sofa, I was very relieved to find that May woke up, shaking her head as she tried to sit herself up.

"Where am I…?" She rubbed her eyes with her hand, and tried to look around.

"Home. Home is where you are now." I smiled at her and picked her up in my arms, almost refusing to let go of her.

This Peregrie, my wish was granted. My sister was relatively safe for now.

Only time will tell whether the infection May harbors would progress, or if portions of the tumor left behind would become malignant, but nothing can take away my happiness from me right now.

They say Peregrie is a happy time. This is the best Peregrie I’ve had.