All Because of Harry

CHAPTER FORTY-EIGTH

Harry
It's been two weeks since I was rescued. Two weeks since Ethan was deemed paralyzed. Two weeks since I lost Cal for good.

The boys decided to rent a hotel in Guernsey so they can be there for Ethan and I. I have yet to see him- I simply could not bare the sight of Ethan in a hospital bed. The boy will probably try to comfort me; tell me that everything will be okay when he's the one who will never walk again. Never score another goal. Never run another mile.

They tell me not to blame myself. That it's not my fault. But it is. I sent the letters. I told them where I was. And they came. Of course they came. And only four came back.

Simon was the only one staying with me. He slept in an air mattress beside my bed because it's the only way he'll sleep.

I've seen the damage I've done to them. I see Tobi's weight loss and Simon's bags. Vik is just starting to talk again whilst JJ has finally managed to lay off the alcohol and Josh cracked a smile or two. I haven't heard Ethan's laugh. Maybe I never will. I'm a coward.

I was able to leave the hospital. Everyone hovers around me as if I were going to be taken again. As if I was a bomb about to go off and take everyone down with me.

I was lying in my bed and stared at the ceiling. I've found myself doing that a lot lately, just thinking. Mom won't give me my phone. She told me she doesn't want me to be tempted to make a video, to see the comments people are leaving. Calling us lazy. Whatever.

Simon walked in the door without a shirt and just a pair of athletic shorts. He had a towel around his shoulders and wiped the water out of his hair.

His eyes land on mine and stay there, daring me to be the first to look away. But I won't. I can't. They look so beautiful, like a sea just meant for me. A sky full of stars made for my eyes only. His mouth formed a grin and I can't recall the last time seeing him smile.

He's never left my side. He's spoon feed me soup when I refused to eat. Helped me change because my wrist still hurt. He cleaned my bandages and gave me my medicine. He even cried in the other room thinking I wouldn't hear. He mourns in silence for my benefit. I feel utterly selfish.

He plopped down beside me on my bed. It was weird having Simon here in the room I grew up in. I remember watching his videos when I first started YouTube. Sometimes he'd appear in JJ's videos.

He always looked at the photos on my wall of when I was a child. He told me he loved my smile- that it always made him smile. He told me it was infectious. I tried to mimic that smile but I couldn't.

I could smell my shampoo on him. My stomach flustered. "How are you doing?" I got asked this a lot, too much, really. I nearly yelled at Rosie because she wouldn't leave me alone until I told her the truth. I never did, I waited her out. I didn't need to bring her to my grave.

I shrug. He frowns. He places his hand on the side of my face and turns my head so I'm looking at him. And I see so much. I see the patch of stubble coming in and the dent in his cheeks where his dimples are. I can see the bits of green in his blue eyes and the exhaust he's trying to hide. For my sake.

His hands are soft. He's using his thumb to rub soothing circles that calm me but make my heart skip a beat. It was just supposed to be a stupid crush.

When I'd first met him he was this amazing guy who I envied. And I realized I didn't envy him, I wanted him. I wanted his strong arms wrapped around my body and his blue eyes looking at me and only me.

I told myself to get over it; that we work together and it needed to be professional. And for a little while I did. I just stayed away from him and it worked. But of course, I couldn't stay away from him.