十七

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Evelynn has been alive for goodness knows how long. She was content with the "life" she had. Satisfied with the cycle of hunting and eating, the thought of anything other than that never occurred to her. She had met all sorts of men that nothing ever surprises her. Men like Chrollo and Hisoka were not unique. Cruel and wicked people were the norm, people who were greedy. People who want more and greater things. Priceless jewels, thrilling love stories, and exciting adventures were a common thing people wished for. Companionship. Evelynn recalls a saying she had heard: "No man was a lone island". Men couldn't survive alone. People who did, end up unhinged. It was the one thing Evelynn never understood. After a thousand years or more on her own, she had always questioned their need to be with another. She never did think too deeply about it.


A mere four hours ago, Evelynn was looking out at buildings and skyscrapers, now, tall trees and fields of green passed by her train window. Familiar surroundings brought upon pain that Evelynn couldn't put words to, a tightening of her chest that felt uncomfortable. Like someone took the breath out of her lungs and refused to give it all back, only letting her have enough to make sure she'd be able to live. A discomfort that she had to bear with. A stirring that she'd never been able to put a name on and she hoped that it stays that way. It was a sensation that Evelynn had learned to carry. The humans had always said that time heals all wounds, she had hoped that was true. The pain had lessened, if she buried everything under, a state akin to being under ice water for hours settles on her. It had been two hundred years and more, she prays it would take less than a thousand.


The train previously chugging along the train tracks, screeches to a halt as it whistles that it had arrived at its final destination. Evelynn stands up and readies herself. She promises herself, this year she'd enter the town. She'd see the same shops she used to enter, the same hills and trees. She'd see them all and be alright. She takes a step outside the train and it was the same the last year but a drastic difference when she first took a step in this place. Her lungs burn and her eyes sting as if her head was dunked underwater and she just couldn't grasp for air. Her resolve shakes but she continues. She goes down the staircase and there was a stone path that leads to the town. Her foot hovers above the stone pathway. She takes a shaky breath and steps forward.


She takes another then another. One turns to two to three. Every step felt heavier and a chink in her armor. The walls she had built brick by brick, falling one by one. Why does this have to be so difficult? More painful and tiring than fighting a hundred men. Like monsters clawing at her to go back, don't take another step. She'd claw her way there if she had to.


Another step.


Minutes stretch onto forever. She'd get there, she promised herself. She wanted this to be over. She was exhausted, she hated this feeling and she wanted it gone. She'd been hurting for more than two hundred years, she'd face this if it was the last thing she did.


"I love you"


She jolts. Eyes widening and her vision blurs. She falls to her knees and the town was just beyond the hill. She was so close to fulfilling what she went here for. All she had to do was look at the town and go back to that field and realize that she doesn't feel anything anymore. That she doesn't care anymore. That it doesn't hurt. She takes in shaky breathes as her whole body trembles. The world spins around her, and she wants to steady herself, but she had nothing to hold onto. 'Fuck. This again?'


She felt like she was floating in the ocean as waves rocked her. The feeling of unsteadiness even if you had your two feet planted on the ground. She's tired. If he was going to leave her, he should have made sure he would take all the pain with him. She wants to curse him and scream about how much she hated him. Throw a tantrum for leaving her when all she wanted was for him to stay by her side. All she wanted was for him to stay.


but he left.


So, she stays there. What felt like days was just a few hours. Head buried in her knees as she hugged herself. She wonders if she stays here for long enough, he'd rise and take her. If she waited long enough would he come back for her? If she waited and stayed long enough, would he realize how much she'd sacrifice for him and come back to her? She wonders why he was so unfair. She lifts up her head to see a darkening sky. She takes a deep breath before standing up. Her eyes were red but she didn't shed a single tear. She turns to go back to the train station.


183 steps.


She took 183 steps from the train station. She was fine with it. At least it was one more step than last year.

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