Kiss Me Deadly

Chapter Twenty One

Archer is shaking my shoulders.

"You had to do this, right, Viridian?" His voice is loud in my ears, panicked. I don't know why. "It was you or them. Tell me you had to do this, Viridian."

I frown and tell him, "I had to do this. It was me or them."

He sighs heavily and some of the panic drains from his eyes. He leans forward and pulls me into a crushing hug. Sharp pain stabs my ribs but I bite back the gasp of pain. I wrap my arms around his neck and let myself be comforted by his affection.

I can't help but be worried, however, about how frantic he'd become when he saw what I did. Did he think that I could do this just for the hell of it? I internally shake my head. No, he was just worried about me. He probably thought that I was scarred by what I had to do. He just wanted to make sure that I knew I hadn't had a choice. That must be it.

Archer pulls back, his large hands gripping my shoulders. 

"You're okay?" he asks, relieved, but a little confused. He expects me to be crying, horrified by what I've done. He has no idea of the terrible things I've seen and done. He has no idea who I really am. And, suddenly, I want him to know. I want him to know everything. I want him to know me. 

My lips part, all my secrets on the brink of escape. "Archer, there's something I need you to know about me," I say before I have a chance to back out and chance my mind. I search his eyes for some sort of sign. Of what, I have no clue.

And, I don't know what I see there, but my mouth snaps shut. I can't. I can't do it. 

Archer's eyebrows raise. "What is it, Viridian?"

I look down, avoiding his eyes. "Never mind. It's not important. We've got work to do right now," I say quickly, jumping up and out of Archer's reach. I wipe my bloody hands on my jeans as Archer gets up. He stands there for a moment, just looking at me as if wondering if he should pursue my hesitance now or let it slide. He must decide to let it go, because he walks over to Dax, who'd politely walked away during my almost-confession. 

Head down, I walk quickly over to Leilani, but even then, Archer shoots me a questioning look. Lani immediately pulls me deeper into the woods, out of earshot of the two supernaturals. 

"You were going to tell him, weren't you?" she asks with wide eyes. I hesitate, then nod. If possible, her eyes get even wider. "What stopped you?"

I let out the breath I'd been holding and slump against the nearest tree. The bark is dry and rough beneath my fingertips. "I just couldn't do it," I whisper, staring down at my sneakers as I absently kick the dirt.

"But, Viridian-" she interrupts almost chastising.

My eyes snap up to meet hers sharply. "But what, Leilani? You saw his face when he saw what I did. He was afraid. Afraid of me," I say hotly, my chest feeling tight.

She rolls her eyes. "That was before he realized that you had to do it to survive."

I blow out a sigh and look off into the trees.The light trickles through the leaves lightly, making it look beautiful, instead of the bloody nightmare it'd been only the night before. A slow breeze blows through the trees, stirring my hair around my face. I pull my jacket tighter around me. 

"But what is he going to think when he finds out that I don't regret what I did? That I'd do it again if it meant surviving? Not only that, but what will he say when he finds out that those shifters weren't Octavian's men sent for him, but Ryder's men sent for me-"

Lani holds up her hands to stop me. "Wait, who's Ryder?"

I open my mouth. Shut it. Shit. I hadn't meant to let his name slip. I run a hand through my hair and roll my bottom lip between my teeth.

I contemplate not telling her and keeping what's left of my secrets, but when she crosses her arms and cocks an eyebrow, I know she won't let it go.

"Ryder is Angelo Octavian's son. We grew up together in my old facility. We trained together and he was the only person I'd ever come close to trusting before I came here. Nobody knew me better than he did. And when I escaped to find Archer, he's the one who found me. I lied and he knew it, but he let me go anyway. Then he kissed me and said that he loved me," I pause and close my eyes, remembering the feel of his lips on mine. Remembering the spark between us that had surprised me so.  

Icy blue eyes and a mischievous grin dance before my eyes. I wonder, does he still smile with only half of his mouth? Does he still save his real smiles for someone special? I shake my head. None of that matters. Not anymore. 

"And then?" Lani leans forward, enthralled.

I shrug. "And then I ran. I didn't see him again until . . . until that night we escaped from the incubi's house. Antonio wanted to deliver me to Ryder himself and, when I got out, I saw him. It was only a brief glimpse, but it was enough for us to recognize each other." I gesture in the direction of what's left of the shifters. "I thought that they were sent by Octavian to capture Archer  but Ryder hired them to bring me to him. When they couldn't, they tried to kill me. I killed them first."

I blow out a breath. "And now you know everything."

Leilani is scarily silent for a long time. She just stares at me with wide, appraising eyes. I stare right back at her unblinkingly, afraid of what she'll say.

I don't know if I could take it if she thought badly of me. I've come to rely on her friendship. I need her reassurance that I haven't turned into the monster my parents want me to be; that I'm still me. 

After what feels like an eternity, she finally speaks.

"Okay."

My lips twitch towards a smile. A laugh bubbles up to my lips. Tears blur my vision. I reach forward and pull Lani into a tight hug.

"Thank you," I whisper into her shoulder.

I can hear the smile in her voice when she says, "oh, Viridian. Only you would feel guilty for surviving. And your past? It's what makes you who you are. You don't have to be guilty about it. Any of it."

After that, Leilani insists that we go help Dax and Archer to fix the mess I'd left. As we walk back to them, I pause and look back into the trees. The woods are still. The only movement is the wind whispering through the trees, making them shudder only slightly. I turn back around, but even as I walk away, I can't shake the feeling that something -or someone- is watching me.