warnings: drugs, alcohol, self harm and suicide
lowercase intended, it fits the vibe of this story.
i sat down on my couch just sitting and wondering if i could have ever prevented his death. i wish i would have noticed what was going on, i wish he would have talked to me. i wish i wasn't useless. my whole family says to just move on as if it's that easy. maybe they were right, just move on and forgot about him, simple.
i guess i could go to a bar, maybe with friends, maybe without.
maybe if i consumed so much alcohol i could just die and be with him.
i decided i would go to the bar alone.
i grabbed my keys from the key hook and looked next to mine, i never moved antfrosts keys, it's a memory of him i guess.
a few weeks ago i gave floof back to ants parents saying i wasn't stable enough to have her anymore. the real reason is i couldn't look at her anymore, i missed him so much. the day after he killed himself, floof was never the same. i could tell she missed her dad so much, i really wish she would have died around the same day ant did. i didn't even like looking at her, well, i couldn't even without crying.
i stopped the car and looked outside my windshield, i had almost hit a little siamese cat, it was tiny and looked like floof if she was a baby.
once the tiny kitten passed in the road i felt a tear come to my eye, i immediately thought of ant again. there was so much i could have done to prevent this, why couldn't i have just taken the hints? i knew something was up, i just blew it off as it was just a little phase of sadness over something, well, i soon found out i was wrong.
to get my mind of him i just figured i would blast music, of course when i open spotify to bluetooth it to my car, it was last open on his playlist, the playlist had all the songs we thought were cute and described us.
i just smashed my phone down on the passenger seat. i don't want to think of him, jesus i might as well just crash this car now instead of living in pain constantly.
i physically couldn't take it anymore, what was the point of living if the one i love is dead?
i pulled over on the side of the road and put my blinker on, i might as well just leave it off so somebody hits me.
i put my head against my steering wheel and put my hands over my head.
i don't want to do this anymore. why can't i die yet? i just want to be happy again. i silently cried against my steering wheel. i wish i would have payed more attention, i could have stopped him from taking his life. but no, i choose to ignore the signs and play it off as if it was just being sad over something little.
even to this day i don't know why he killed himself, maybe it was because of me.
i decided if i was gonna die tonight, i was gonna at least do a few things i wanted too.
i started driving again and as i was almost to the bar i crashed my car into a tree about a half a mile away from the bar. i could navigate myself.
as i started walking i saw another little siamese cat walk come out of the trees, it meowed a few times and i looked down, i just kept walking and ignored it.
i had finally got to the bar. before i went in i grabbed my phone out of my pocket, i typed to all my family members i was killing myself and i loved them, i quickly tweeted out i would be taking a break from streaming, little did they know, that was a huge lie. i smashed my phone on the pavement despite paying over a thousand dollars for it.
i saw another siamese cat out of the corner of my eye, i ignored it and walked into the bar.
i walked up to the bartender and ordered a few drinks, i told him to put it on a tab and i would pay it later, i wasn't going to, if it wasn't obvious.
i drank over 5 glasses and said i needed air and went outside, i could still think and walk straight, i wasn't fucked up enough. i saw someone shouting at me and he offered me a bag of what i assumed to be cocaine, he set me up and i snorted a ton of it. he walked me to a bathroom and splashed water on my face, i was slowly slipping.
fuck fuck fuck FUCK.
no no no no no.
i didn't just do that, right??
this is a dream, it has to be.
red slowly overdosed and saw a white light flash at him.
he stood up and felt dizzy as fuck and saw ant.
he couldn't believe it, he was dead.
ant walked over to him with tears in his eyes and hugged him.
"why red, why couldn't you stay? i tried to communicate with you through the cats. i wish you didn't do that red. you did that because of me, i feel like such a bitch..."
ant choked out while clinging to red
"ant baby" he said and picked him up and cupped his face, "i'm so so so sorry, i literally just couldn't handle it without you, i missed you so much and i was loosing my mind. i'm really sorry ant"
red sat there holding ant as they both cried.
"i just wish you would have stayed, and nothing was your fault, i was watching you the whole time. i didn't think you would actually do it."
—————
i'm crying now.
this was sad to write.
anyway, this is the first chapter in my one shot book, if you guys are interested in this whole story i could maybe write a whole book about it. 😳😳
