BY YOUR SIDE (complete ✅)

Chapter 4 (I don't fucking want to cry. I want to kill him)

New tastes cotton in his mouth. His head thumps like a giant took a massive hammer to it and he feels so fucking groggy. He peers at the beautiful woman sitting at the edge of his bed through the slits of his eyes.

He vaguely remembers stomping out of their apartment last night. He couldn't fathom why Tay would decide to go on a date without giving him prior notice. Tay, annoyed by New's concerns, lashed out.

"I don't get a day's notice when you whore yourself out or bring strangers into our home," he said.

New left the house in anger and found the closest bar. Just to spite Tay, he hit on the first person he felt an attraction to and brought her home.

"Good morning, handsome." She greets as she pulls on her boots.

"Hi—," He doesn't remember her name.

She chuckles. "Don't remember my name, do you? I won't hold that against you. I don't remember yours either." She rises. She's a beautiful woman with long limbs and tanned skin. It makes sense that he would pick her. She zips up her dress from the side. "Do you want me to go get you a glass of water?"

He almost takes her up on the offer but reconsiders. His one-night-stands are not permitted to spend the night. Tay didn't speak to him for a whole week after he found a half-naked man in their kitchen, drinking their juice straight out of the box. He has since enforced the rule of no sleepovers.

He groans as he sits up. "No, don't bother. I'll get it myself." And find a way to sneak you out without my roommate noticing, he thinks to himself. He ambles out of his bedroom and stops short at the sight he is met with.

There, at their dining table, is a man he has never seen before. The man is in his chair smiling up at his best friend. Tay looks like he's enjoying the attention. He is handing New's favorite coffee mug to this stranger with a broad smile.

The alarm bells in his head go off. They diagnose the situation as dire. His heart burns. His fists ball up. His stomach coils.

He cannot believe that he is suffering through a hangover in an attempt to hide his 'date' out of respect for their unspoken rule while Tay flaunts this man like he's God's gift to mankind. The man's hair is messy like he has just rolled out of bed—Tay's bed, an unhelpful voice supplies. He is swaddled in one of Tay's favorite hoodies.

New convulses. He was furious last night for being called a whore but now, he is downright livid. How dare he?

Tay looks up. His smiling eyes disappear when they meet New. He squeezes his lips together and breaks eye contact. He retreats to the kitchen. New indignantly stomps after him, ignoring the cheery greeting from his roommate's midnight guest.

"Are you out of your fucking mind?" He whisper yells. Tay ignores him, going about his business. "Oh, the silent treatment? How mature! Why are you mad when it is I who was insulted? You called me a whore!"

Tay swings around to face him. "Are you not? I heard you stumble in with another one last night."

"Fuck you!" New breathes. He pokes his index finger into Tay's sturdy chest. "You fucking hypocrite! You crucify me for something you're equally guilty of." He scoffs. Licks his bitter lips. "I thought guests weren't allowed to stay overnight."

"This is not the same!"

"How the fuck is it not, Tawan?" His voice is wobbling. He feels himself coming apart. "Y—you barely know the guy and you're what, sleeping with him? Who is the whore now?" His fears and insecurities champion him on. He wants Tay to hurt too. "Are you so desperate to give it up to the first person who shows interest?"

Tay clenches his jaw. "First person?" He sneers. "I quite remember you throwing yourself at me in this very kitchen."

New flinches like he's been burned. His stomach turns and his eyes water. Heat spreads through his chest. He cannot believe Tay would use his feelings against him this way. After Tay rejected him, they never spoke of that day again. He didn't care that his feelings for Tay were out there. He was just thankful the man didn't act weird around him.

"Teh?" he chokes out. Tears spill from his eyes. Tay realizes his blunder and starts to reach out, but New puts more distance between them. He aggressively brushes the tears from his cheeks, angry at them for showing his frailty. "I hate you!" he whispers, voice breaking then he whirls around and stomps out of their apartment, brushing by the stunned faces of his one-night stand and the man who stole his sun.

**

"Do you want to cry?" Arm holds out a box of Kleenex to New. He is in Arm Weerayut and Gun's dorm room. He just recounted the morning's events to them.

He knocks the tissue out of his friend's hand. "I don't fucking want to cry. I want to kill him."

Gun sighs. "I'm sorry New, but you tried to hurt him first."

"Only after he hurt me." He cries. "He called me a whore."

Arm clears his throat. "Well—,"

"Don't!" New warns.

Arm lifts his hands in placation. He turns his attention back to his phone.

"He hates me, doesn't he?" New asks, distraught. "I know he does. Why else would he say something like that? I thought he had forgiven me for kissing him." He blinks back the tears forming again. "God, maybe Lee has opened his eyes to everything. And now he's mad because I took his first kiss."

"You're overthinking." Gun soothes. "You tend to exaggerate your fears."

"I'm not. You should've seen his face."

Gun rubs his back. "Tay doesn't hate you. You were arguing. It's normal that he looked mad."

"I don't like him like that anymore, but—,"

Arm clears his throat again.

"What now?" New snaps. "Do you think I still like him?" Silence. He huffs in derision and turns to Gun. "Gunnie, tell Weerayut I'm not still harboring some stupid crush on Tay." Gun avoids his eyes. New explodes. "What, you too? It's been almost 4 years. How could I still like him?"

"We think you more than like him, New." Arm supplies.

He frowns. "You think I am in love with him? Don't be ridiculous."

"Why are you jealous of Lee?" Gun asks with his hands folded in his lap and his eyes are squinting. They call it the 'shrink pose.' New doesn't like what's about to follow.

"I'm not jealous of him. I just don't think he's the right person for Tay."

"You met him in person today but all you've done these past few weeks is criticize him," Gun says. "I mean, you always find fault with every new person Tay interacts with. It is a natural response as you believe they threaten your dynamics." New's protest is shut down with Gun's index finger shooting up. "Let me finish.

"Tay rejected you but you've basically been boyfriends since high school. You live together, he cooks for you, you're each other's emotional tether, you sleep in the same bed, and dare I say cuddle? You hold hands when walking, and your families spend all holidays together. You are in a romantic relationship sans the sexual element.

"You made your peace with it because you thought he didn't want a relationship. At the back of your mind, you'd always have Tay for these things. This is why you don't pursue a serious relationship with anyone. You have your one-night stands to satisfy your sexual needs, get rid of them and run back to Tay for your emotional needs.

"A small part of you has always hoped that Tay would change his mind and want to be with you, but you know that's not going to happen with Lee in the picture. Lee has put a dent in your plans and it frightens you. You know he's different from Tay's other friends. You know this means you may no longer be Tay's number one. You're losing the man you love to someone else and it kills you but there's absolutely nothing you can do about it."

The room is awfully quiet when Gun ends his lengthy psychoanalysis.

The silence drags on for a few more seconds. "Oh, God." New whispers, head in hand. "What do I do?"