I have the most adorable boyfriend. He always tells me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. When I am sick he stays at home with me, to help me and take care of me. When I need something from the supermarket, he will go and buy it even if he doesn't really want to, just because it makes me happy. When my leg hurts, he will massage me even if he is tierd...
But, I don't feel happy. I still miss Thomas. They are not comparable. But I know that Thomas don't miss me. He sometimes says that I am beautiful but rarely. Also he never says that he loves me...
" My heart is already taken" he wrote me once. Before we got close. I thought that we were... he was making a joke.
Everything that he was doing make me think that he loved me. We were texting every day about things that we did, things that we found interesting... And sometimes we were just saying " caramel". It was like our code when we wanted to talk but didn't know what to say.
At class, were looking at each other like we were partners in crime when the teacher was telling something that reminded us our talks.
When I wasn't feeling good, you came to me if I was okay, if I needed something, maybe some medicine.
" Don't worry, it is not because of you that I am bad" I said that time. You were surprised, like if you just cared about me when I was sad because of you. To not feel bad about yourself. The truth is, I really still think that way. I don't really think that you care about me.
" If I didn't appreciate you, you wouldn't be here, especially like that." I was looking at him, half naked, my eyes still wet. In my mind I was repeating " appreciate"... This word meant everything... " I don't love you but I care about you" you didn't say it but I knew it. Why do you care if you don't love me? Why are you so close to me if it is not just for sex but also not in love? What are we? Will you ever love me?
At first, I really believed that you were just supressing your feelings towards me. You always told me that you had difficulties to express your emotions and feelings. But today, I lost hope. Even after countless times that we made love to each other, you still don't have any feelings for me. I thought that, maybe, after that, with time...
But no, still talking about that girl in our class. Still loving her.
" If I could choose who I loved, I would." I just felt humiliated and pitied... And by you. It felt like an insult, a knife, a sharp pain in my chest.
If I could choose who I love, I would. And it wouldn't be you Thomas.
