KRISTY The shit also happens to the stars

I want to die !

Coming out of the clinic, I walk like a sleepwalker. I have become a living automaton. Thelma holds my arm so that I follow her. I no longer control my body, my legs move forward without my being able to dominate them. Tears are streaming down my cheeks without a break.

....
My mother is waiting for us in the driveway, standing with her back to her car. I walk past her without seeing her. I go up the steps one by one automatically. I dive into my bed and cover myself with the duvet. From that moment on, I cry, I cry nonstop for hours. My heart is in shreds, shattered into a thousand pieces!

Thelma wants to lie down next to me and console me, but my mother thinks it's best right now to leave me alone to face my grief. She's right, I don't want to see anyone even the people who are dearest to me. I think of this child that I am carrying. His body is in my flesh but his soul is in heaven. I pray that this possibility is real. I ask myself too many questions. Did he suffer? Did he see himself die? Did he think of me? Did he think I didn't love him? Did he think I was abandoning him? Did he feel alone? So many unanswered questions, it's a real torture! It turns in a loop in my head. I feel guilty, I am a bad mother. I did not know how to protect him! I did not know how to keep it! If I would have loved him more, wanted him more, perhaps he would still be with me today? I want to stay with him, that we are never separated.

My mother puts a tray on the nightstand for me.

- I know it must be really difficult for you Kristy. But it would be good if you eat a little. I put you some soup, it will pass more easily. I'll leave you, if you need anything, I'm downstairs with Thelma.

And as usual, she kisses me on the forehead before leaving as discreetly as she arrived. The soup has been cold for a long time when I doze off.
My mother and Thelma stayed with me all night. The tray is cleared and they are busy in the kitchen.

When I wake up, I feel as bad as the day before, if not worse. I feel a feeling of nothingness. I stand up painfully, my head is spinning. Carried by an impulse, I advance to the terrace. My hands grip the railing. I put my feet on the barrier and climb up. Standing in balance, I gaze at the horizon. My gaze as extinct as my mind I let go of my hands from the railing, only my feet are holding me back from the ground. I tilt my head towards the void. Christopher is down on the lawn. He looks me straight in the eye. He doesn't speak but I understand what his eyes are telling me: don't jump Kristy! I beg you, don't jump! It destabilizes me and I almost fall. I catch up with the balustrade in time.

- I'm coming Kristy, especially don't move!

I fall like a mass on the terrace. Curled up like a scared dog, I burst into tears. I can't believe that after crying so much, tears can still flow.
Christopher comes running but relieved that I didn't jump. He takes me in his arms and rocks me. I let go, I pour all the tears from my body.

....
I take my betadine shower, twice as specified by the gynecologist. I am nervous, apparently it is an innocuous operation but no operation is without risk. I'm on an empty stomach for general anesthesia, that's good, I'm not hungry.

My relatives are with me, my father is driving, my mother is sitting next to him, Thelma and Christopher are sitting with me in the back. I'm going to have to say goodbye to my baby soon. I don't want to, it seems insurmountable to me! Thelma took me by the hand discreetly. I hold her tight.

We have already arrived! I dread the intervention but my relatives reassure me. I dressed in an operating gown, a charlotte and operating slippers. Doctor Thomas goes to my room to explain the operation to me. She announces to me that she is going to suck my baby. My God, but what a horror! I am in shock. I ask him if there is not our way of proceeding. According to her, this is the safest way to preserve my health and be able to bear more children later. I have no choice but to trust him. She hands me a prescription: analgesics, contraceptives and .... I have a vision, disposable mesh briefs? It's a joke! I find that an abortion is like giving birth. I will have about three weeks of blood loss. In the first days, the flow will be important which explains the disposable mesh briefs. This will not stain my own underwear.

The stretcher bearers come to get me, lying in bed I kiss my family. They all have a heartwarming word.

- We are waiting for you here, when you come back from the operating room, we will all be there!

- Don't worry, everything will be fine!

I walk the route on my bed, pushed by the stretcher bearers. The tension is growing !
It's cold in the transfer room. The anesthesiologist asks me the same questions as the nurse when he arrives in my room earlier.
I feel like I'm going to start crying again. I have a gaping hole in my heart. Hands on my stomach, eyes closed, I talk to my little angel. I can't bring myself to say goodbye to him. He's not gone yet, yet I feel completely drained of the inside. A chasm has formed in my bowels. I am lonely like never before. I have never felt so much pain in my whole life. I would never be the same again. My heart is now numbed to happiness, bruised forever. I would never meet, the one who made me, a mother for life.

....
The bed rolls a few meters then stops in the operating room. It is even colder than in the transfer room. I am lifted up and placed on the operating table. Doctor Thomas is kind while the anesthetist tries to relax me. He puts an oxygen mask on my face. This covers my entire mouth and nose.

- Relax Miss Watters, think of something nice, something you like!

The last thing I thought about before I fell asleep is my little angel.

....
- Miss Watters! Wake up, you are in the recovery room. Everything went well, we'll take you back to your room.

There it's finished ! In the end, it all happened at lightning speed. My little angel is no more! I left with him.