Heart Broken

I Can't Keep On

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ~~~February 8,2015~~~~~~~~~
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After last month i have forced myself to believe I will never hold a child of my own. Yes I may have a child that I will claim as mine. But I will never know what it is like to carry a baby. Never feel him/her kick. Never hear their first cry. The pain I've put myself through over the last 6 years is unreal. Not just the physical pain no that is bearable. The emotional pain scares so deep. I should be a pro at knowing how to cope with the loss yet every time its as if it was my first. I wanna give in and just be with all my lil ones in heaven. Yet I am still here. I've often asked God why not take me after they wear born and let them have a chance at life. Why couldn't my babies live and me die. I know i will never have my answer until im sitting up there with all my babies in my arms. The babies i love more than life it's self who sadly never lived. Well I guess I'm gonna go for now.
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~~~~~~May 25,2015~~~~~~
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Another death seems to take our family. We lost out Uncle Jeston to a massive heart attack. I don't get why it seems death is wanting to stroll through my family but it sure sucks! Until next time!
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~~~~~~June 10,2015~~~~~~
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It is hard to believe that a year ago today we lost you lil one. Not a day goes by that I don't stop and think about you. Wishing I was chasing after what would be my now toddler. But I can now think of you and smile a bitter sweet smile knowing that your nana is holding you for me till me meet again. Sadly for me to smile knowing she is with you its also sad knowing that she has gone on home to be with you and God.
I am yet again sad and my heartaches for someone very special to me. It's been one week and a day sense you took your last breath. I only had you for a very shot time. I only had you for 8 short years but look at every memory with love and a smile. But in that 8 years you took me in as a daughter and I took you as a mother. Most dont see past the in law on the end of the title you get after marriage but to me you were never my mother in law you were my second Mama. I don't know how many times I heard you tell people that I wasn't your daughter in law but the daughter you never had. It doesn't seem like it has been 3 weeks and 2 days sense you last said I love you or talked to your Boo dog. I don't get why everyone I love seems to die. I wish that death could move past my family and friends for a while. The last year that everyone seem to die back to back like this was 2007 the year I got the second half of what I now call my crazy family. All I can hope for is that we can end this so far awful year on a high note as we did in 2007!
Hopefully the next update will be happier than these sad ones so far! RIP My Cookie,Babies, And Aunts and Uncles!