Find a Penny, Pick Her Up

Chapter 17

I sat across from Dr. Yao in her office, and the artsy floral arrangements on her desk hadn't changed since the last time we'd met. On one side of her tidy table, an ivy drooped over the sides of gray pot. Next to it sat the familiar looking succulents I'd already seen. The only difference is that they were a tad larger, and I managed a half-smile. Maybe I understood the appeal of being a plant mom. My attention was mostly on the other side of the table; in a black square pot, tiny white pebbles laid as the groundwork for a criss-cross looking plant. It was new. Strikingly knew.

"It's a Bamboo plant," Dr. Yao said, addressing my wandering eyes. "My husband got it for me as a gift." 

"I like it," I said, taking my eyes away from the wild-looking plant. She took a breath, closing the black notebook on her lap and tucking it to the side of her chair. I guess she wasn't going to be taking notes, that time. I relaxed a tiny bit, my shoulders lowering from their hitched position. 

"So the bonfire," she started slowly. "Want to tell me about it?" Mom must've mentioned it over the phone; I'd only been there for ten minutes, and we'd sat quietly without much deep discussion. 

I shrugged. "Jess brought me, and I guess I was excited for it." 

"Any particular reason?" 

Immediately, I thought of him. I shrugged. "Not really." She knew I wasn't saying something, I could tell by the lingering eyes behind her glasses. But she continued, unfazed. 

"What happened when you got there?" 

"I saw Justin. I didn't want to see him, though. He's just always," I tried to find the words. "A lot. All the time. And he doesn't understand that I don't want to be with him." 

"Well, why don't you want to be with him?" 

"Because," I paused, thinking of what I'd said to him. And how hurt he looked. It was because of what I did, and how since I already pulled Jess down with me to suffer the life of ostracization, I couldn't be selfish enough to pull him down as well. So I told her, and she listened patiently. 

"Did you ask him what he wanted?" Dr. Yao asked. 

"No, but only because I already know what he wants...to be with me." 

"Have you ever let him express himself completely to you?" I thought, shaking my head. No, I hadn't.

"You have to think of the perspectives. Yes, you feel that way. But he may feel differently...do you feel guilty that Jess is still your friend?" 

I nodded a small nod, the familiar swirl of discomfort forming in my belly. 

"But that's her choice," she said. "She chose to remain friends with you, and even though others didn't, doesn't mean you need to feel guilty about it," she smiled a soft smile. "I'll tell you a secret that my mom always told me. The one's who stick around, even through hardships, are your real friends." 

"As for Justin," she continued, taking a breath. "Trauma effects everyone differently. For some in a relationship, the trauma might actually bring them closer. For others, it may bring them apart. For you, Penny, do you think the car accident changed your feelings toward Justin? Or do you feel like because of this incident occurred, you're not good enough to be loved? That it's not fair to have a boyfriend and be happy, when Jack can't?" I stared, uncomfortable and feeling like she'd read my mind. 

Dr. Yao pressed her lips together, giving me a tiny shrug. "I think once you figure out why you feel the way you do, giving him an explanation might help the situation." I guess I'd never given him a chance to understand where I was coming from; I did love Justin, I knew that. But I didn't love him the way I did before. That all changed the night that Jack died in front of me.