Black Swan Wonderland

Hisayo

Halo Twenty-Seven: Hisayo:

-Hisayo-

August 13, 1987.

I can't stand the yelling. It's gotten worse lately. Papa just works all day. Mama can't stand it anymore. I can't remember the last time I ever saw her happy. Dinners are a nightmare. We either don't talk or mama and papa break down fighting. I usually can never finish eating. Through all of their fights they never once asked about me. Sometimes, she takes her anger out on me. I didn't do anything though. But she still yells at me. I don't understand why.

The only sources of comfort I have are my sister, Toshiko, and Abe-sensei.

I tried to keep my sister safe from them. Even that's becoming harder to do lately. She's starting to ask questions. I don't know how to deal with it.

Last night, she came into my room again. Toshiko stood in the doorway, rubbing her little eyes. I sat up frowning at her.

"What do you want?" I asked.

"Can't sleep," she whimpered. I sighed and shook my head.

"Come in," I said. Toshiko wandered over to my futon. She laid down without a word.

"Bad dreams?" I asked. She nodded once. I pulled her to my chest. I kissed her atop her head. Looks like I'm her only source of comfort. It's quiet tonight. Too quiet. I don't like it. I caught Toshi-chan mumbling at my chest.

"What did you say?" I asked.

"I'm scared," she whispered.

"I'm scared too," I said. I wasn't lying either. I was scared out the calm tonight. I could already predict what was coming next. My stomach turned just thinking about it.

August 14, 1987

I will be going back to school soon. There's not much relief there. The only thing I have to look forward to is my homeroom teacher, Abe-sensei. But lately, he's been ignoring me. I don't know what I did wrong.

Mama doesn't seem to like him. She has the wrong idea about us. There's nothing going on between us. Some of my classmates give us dirty looks at school. I don't want him to get in trouble because of me.

Oh and then there's Kitano-sensei. Something about him gives me the creeps. I saw when I went out to go pick up milk from the 7-11. I went into the store, got my milk, and went up to the counter. I happened to look up and see him looking in at me from the window. He wasn't really doing anything. I tried not to pay any attention to him as I handed the clerk my money. I turned and walked out of the store. I kept my head down as I walked by.

"Hello, Hisayo-chan," Kitano said at my back. I froze in my tracks.

"How are you today?" he asked.

"Good," I said. "And you?"

"Good," Kitano-sensei said. "Good, thank you very much. Have a good day." I hurried back home.

August 15, 1987

I saw Abe-sensei with his wife again today. They were walking down the street together, arm-in-arm. She's not good for him. She will never be good enough for him. I am a better woman than her. I was tempted to go up and push her down out of spite. But I didn't do it. Instead, I turned and went home.

"Where have you been?!" Mama asked when I made it home.

"Just out," I said. I walked down to my room before she could say another word. I closed the door behind me. I couldn't help but to smile to myself. I actually stood up to Mama for once. I only wish that I could see the look on her face as I walked by.

I walked over to my bed and flopped face down. Thoughts of my Abe-sensei filled my head. I almost wished that it didn't have to be summer break. He's the only sense of joy that I have in my life anymore. Okay, there is my little sister. But she's only hanging onto me because I am the one that has to act brave around our parents.

To be honest, I am getting tired of keeping up that act. Something has to break.

August 16, 1987

It's quiet again. That's not good. Another storm's coming. Papa's at work again. Mama has no one to take her anger out on again. When he gets home, she's going to yell at him again. Right now, I am hiding in my room. Toshiko is here with me. She sat on the ground, coloring. I envy her in a way. Toshi-chan has no idea of how bad things are. All she has to do is color her pretty pictures.

I stood over her, watching. Toshi-chan was drawing a picture of a family that didn't exist. We were never happy. Maybe only once. I don't remember it anymore. I kept my ear to the door. I was already counting down to when Papa was coming home. I already knew what was coming next. He'll come home and they will fight.

I walked over to my little sister. She was coloring the grass on the bottom of the paper.

"That looks really good," I said. Toshi-chan just looked up at me and went back to coloring. I knelt down next to her. My little sister picked up another crayon and got to work. Sure enough, the front door opened.

"I'm home," I heard Papa said. I counted down to the fighting coming next.

August 17, 1987

It's always the same thing. More arguing again. I don't know how much longer I can take of this. I wish they would get divorced. Mama refuses to let go. I almost feel sorry for her. Why is she so desperate to keep us all together? I want to ask her, but she would probably yell at me. I think she's starting to realize that reality isn't looking in her favor.

Last night, Mama came into my room, sobbing. She lay down next to me with red eyes. I could barely understand what she was saying. I just let her story roll over on me.

"Why does he make me so miserable?" she asked. "Why did he leave us?" I shrugged and shook my head. I can't bring myself to tell her what we've known all along. How many weeks has it been? I don't know anymore. I can't remind her either. She nearly attacked me the last time I did.

I really Toshi-chan at times like things. Nothing seems to worry her. She acts like everything is normal. I don't know how children do it. I am not so lucky. Mama has it the worse.

To tell the truth, I don't know how long this pretense will last. I almost wish it would it. We can't go back to normal. I just want something to go back to some since of sanity.

Don't even think we can go to that. I almost wish that I hadn't wished for my parents to get divorced.

August 18, 1987

Mama killed me today. She got the wrong idea again. She thought that I was pregnant with Abe-sensei's baby. Mama killed me and stuffed my body in the ceiling. I wasn't the only one in murderous path. She's going to hurt Abe-sensei. He's done nothing wrong. Please leave him alone, Mama. Nothing happened. You're wrong. She can't hear me. She killed me and left me in the ceiling.

I am not alone though.

Toshi-chan? No. Did she...? I understand. Come closer. It will be okay.

Maybe this will finally end.

Back in present day...