My Journey with God

Knickknacks

When 2020 ended, my resolution was to start of my year bright and cheery. Leave all the negativity, pain and fear behind me. I was ready to start my new year off right... but that wasn't the case. I had already lost a good friend of mine the day before New Years and that was already hard for me. I started off my year depressed and hurt but it was nothing compared to the loss that almost drove me over the edge.  On January 29, 2021, after a courageous battle with cancer, Nanaw was just....gone.  My mom called me as I just woke up and told me the news that she had passed away in her sleep that morning. I felt my heart crack in half. I could feel my world turning black and everything went silent. I felt myself slowly spiral into a deeper depression than I did before. I didn't want to talk to anyone or even play with my dog. It was like a giant black hole was swallowing me up and closing in on me. I could feel myself on the verge of snapping, dangling on ledge hanging over a pit of depression. I thought "this is it, this is where I finally snap". I was about to give up on everything until I saw the last thing my Nanaw gave me. A doll. It wasn't an old antique glass doll or a barbie doll, it was a Moxy doll from the movie "Uglydolls". I remembered how happy I was when she got me that doll. Sure it was "ugly" and "for kids" but it didn't matter. She bought it for me. We both saw the beauty in it. Looking at the doll now, I can see all the things we used to do together. Go for golf cart rides, go garage selling, make homemade cookies, her scolding me for dipping my finger in the cookie batter, relaxing together by the lake. All those memories came flooding back to me and I felt a wave of her pure, happy, loving energy wash over me. I could feel her beautiful smile, see the everlasting twinkle in her eyes and hear her infectious laugh. I couldn't help but cry and laugh at the same time. Even now I can hear her say in her funny sassy way, " if you start cryin, I'mma whip you" and just can't help but smile. Nanaw always saw the beauty in everything. From an old shaped doll to several random copper pots and kettles at a garage sale. I guess I got that part of my personality from her. Hehe. It still hurts my heart knowing she's gone. Losing another best friend like that is never easy and it's hard to see the beauty in things when your eyes are clouded with pain and tears. But even the smallest thing can remind you that there's hope. Hope that one day I will see her again and hear her sweet laugh and see her beautiful smile. Until then, I'm gonna keep searching for the beauty in everything, whether it's a copper pot or an ugly doll.