Anti-Stall

Seethe

London,England

I was home for a few days before leaving for Austria, seeing my parents cheered me up. We caught up on work and just what was going on around in the neighbourhood.

I wouldn't say I was truly happy, when I sorted out issues with Arthur, Lando was acting distant. It felt like I just couldn't win! I didn't bother texting him after I saw him hanging out with his friends when we  had plans and he never bothered to text back.

It was stinging me, he was funny, he was charming, he was boyish and most importantly he was precious to me. I didn't think it would ever lead to how I felt about him, I wanted to find excuses to spend time with him and yet I was no where near to calling him mine.

He made it clear to me where we stood, I could cry about it but what's the point? I brushed those thoughts away and continued laying in bed, reading a new book.

"How's my baby doing?" Mom stood at my door.

"I don't know." I shrugged.

She sighed, came in and took a seat on my bed. She looked at me with her kind eyes, asking me to open up.

"I don't know mom! Every time I think that's it, he's the boy something stupid happens." I murmured.

"Sweetie! It's part of finding the one. Meeting these people, realising who's right for you, it's a process. Don't get disheartened!" She gave me a forehead kiss.

"It's hard to not get dejected when you love with your whole heart." I sighed.

"Wearing your heart on your sleeve is not a curse! You are brave! For being so vulnerable." She consoled me.

I pulled my mom in for a hug, she made me feel like the brightest person on this planet. She was my sunshine, she fills my heart with warmth. Her words, her demeanour and the woman she is moulded me into the young woman I am.

Our little mother-daughter heartfelt moment was interrupted by the doorbell. Mom told me to stay put, she'll go see who it was. I went back to reading, I was immersed in the story when I was called by mom.

"Someone's here for you Nat!" She chirped.

"Coming!" I hollered back walking to the door, brushing potato chip crumbs off me.

"Why don't you come in? Take a seat!" I heard her invite the person.

As I entered the room, his scent gave away it was him. He sat there looking charming as ever, his eyes looked tense and yet I couldn't help but lose myself in them.

"Hi." I whispered sitting opposite to him.

"I'll leave you two to talk." Mom smiled leaving the living room.

"Natalie, I've been wanting to talk to you for so long." He started.

"Your actions, don't match your words." I shot him down.

I adored him, I really did. Yet I was talking to him like this, I wanted to forget everything and just spend time with him but at the same time I felt hesitant.

He took a deep breathe, trying to calm his fluster from the stab I took at him.

"I saw a little park on my way here, will you join me for a walk there?" He asked me.

"Sure, let me just grab a jacket."

I told mom we were going for a walk, she told me to be honest with him, tell him everything and most importantly be fair to him. I should give him a chance to explain himself too.

The walk to the park was quiet, this time it was awkward silence. It didn't comfort me, it got under my skin and made me want to yell my worries.

We got a few looks from people who were starting to recognise him, but neither of us could be bothered. We entered the park and walked in silence for a few minutes.

"I'm jealous. I'm very jealous." He heaved.

"Of who?" I asked him trying to meet his eyes.

"Arthur, the relationship you share with him it's just-"

"Why are you jealous of that? We're at each other's throats almost every other day."

"But you both still remain friends, you find your way back to each other."

"He was one of the first people at the paddock who was nice to me, he didn't have to be kind but he chose to."

"That picture of you with him..." His voice trailed off, "It only fuelled my envy."

"What's there to be jealous? I was hugging my friend who had been through something horrific and ugly crying."

"You don't get it!" He complained.

"I don't get what Lando? I don't get why you literally won't leave my mind but hurt me, I don't get why you're so jealous of him!"

"You do realise that we got to know each other properly only because you and Arthur had a massive fight?"

"What are you saying?"

"He breaks your heart and you coming running to my arms but the minute everything is back to normal you go back to him."

"That's not what it is!"

"That's exactly what it is, I feel like some sort of rebound."

"Lando you're not a rebound! You're precious to me."

"I'm second most precious to you, even if you won't admit it to yourself I can't compete with him."

"My feelings are not the Olympics! This is not a competition."

"I'm tired of being second to you, I don't want to be second best. I don't see this going anywhere."

"Why don't you understand you're the one that I want? Why are you being so difficult!" I held back tears.

"If I'm-"

He was interrupted by my ringing phone, the name on the screen did me no favours. Arthur was calling me at the very moment I was trying to convince the boy I wanted that Arthur wasn't even in the picture.

"This isn't helping your case at all." He broke the silence.

"Why can't you see that I'm smitten, by you." I sighed.

"You're smitten by me but your heart is already filled with love for someone else, I don't want my first relationship to keep me in such an insecure place."

"What happens to us now, we broke up before the thing even started." I laughed wiping my tears.

"Nat! I didn't mean to make you cry!" He approached me to give a hug.

"No. Don't hug me, you don't even believe me."

"We're still friends right? I like you I really do but the stars are against us."

"Bet you, I'll always be your biggest fan." I smiled.

"And I'll always be yours." He smiled.

His eyes looked pained, he was just as hurt from all of this as I was. He offered to drop me home but I told him to go, I wanted to stay behind for some time.

I sat on a park bench, trying to process the whirlwind of emotions brewing inside of me. He didn't trust me at all, as long as I remained friends with Arthur he would remain insecure. It was a shame that he couldn't see himself through my eyes.

He was flawless to me, he had no "competition" I didn't have eyes for anyone else, I saw an elderly couple walking together. They both had big smiles on their face and looked at each other so lovingly.

I remembered Erica and Pierre, the purity of their love, it was devotion to each other. Over a span of time they grew so close to each other, I wondered how they did it?

And then it hit me, it was trust.