The One That Came Back

The End of The Beginning

After that so called 'romantic' encounter between me and Ani, I hadn't seen much of him. He was so busy and determined to become a doctor. Even when we occasionally went to the tuition we glanced and smiled a bit but nothing more than that. 

My depressive mind was getting depressed as I was not only chided for burning my math book but my mother also confiscated my favourite book on Van Gogh. They were so confident that separating Mr Gogh from me would result in their daughter making an overbridge in a metropolis

It would ma.

But it will fall with me underneath it.

Then burn Mr Gogh's book then ma. Then you can happily do it. In my pyre.

Attraversiamo.

Something nasty happened that day. It was a week before our JEE exam.

We had a special class for the last minute revision. I was sitting on the farthest corner on the right, and he was on the front row. 

I was doodling shit on my brand new math book that my father has 'gifted'. I have just finished writing "I can't control my shit" beneath a formula and suddenly the girl in front of me nudged me a little and handed me a piece of paper.

Startled, I took it and looked around and saw Ani was miming something!

A jolt of butterflies started playing in my sick stomach.

Sometimes happiness hurts.

I opened the note, and saw there was written "Meet me in Shibuya"

I froze.

How did he find my anonymous blog and I mentioned this lyric a long time ago. Does that mean he has read the last entry too and wanted to 'talk' about it!

I hid my math book. Cannot face the consequences again.

I decided not to wait.

But...

We both waited till the room was empty.

I was huddled in the furthest corner in front of the window. It was March.

It was warm.

But when he dashed in, the sun burned brighter. 

The first thing he did (no pervs! not smooch) was pull up my sweatshirt sleeves that showed how the brainchild of Van Gogh had painted herself.

Again that look of mild disgust in his eyes, except they are fiercer this time.

"Why?"- he asked

"Couldn't resist"

"What did they do"- he asked this time with clenched teeth.

"Took away my art supplies"

"AND IT IS ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!"-  I screamed

"Only if you hadn't burned that book that day, I'd still have something to live for",- I started ugly crying. I wanted him to hug me, comfort me, say sorry or do anything just do something!

He just handed me a tissue and said "Get your shit together or the next batch will think I've made you pregnant"

Fuck his dank humour. 

He then got up and was about to leave, but just at the doorstep like that day at the hospital where he had his hands in his jean pocket and turned his head towards me.

I was still trying to swallow my tears and appear normal.

He said, " I don't think we will be seeing each other anymore. The exam is next week and I have to stay at home and practice."

A mountain fell inside my intestines. 

"But there is a long vacation after that!!", I said, exasperated.

"I will be leaving shortly after the exam. For Kolkata. I have to take special classes for AIIMS and that's my dad's wish."

"Well then fuck you and your dad", I picked up my satchel and stormed past him in a way he could not see my face.

As I dashed off I heard him saying something but it was something like "...back".

And that is how our relationship ended.

But did we ever have one? Two very unlikely people crossed each other's trajectory while they were naive and young. Now it is all gone. 

But somehow we connected.

And maybe that is why I kept staring at his deserted house while going to the supermarket as it was on the way. 

After the exam results, in which I purposefully failed, he came second and got into an elite med school. I was happy but he was not there so that we could share the happiness. I didn't even think he wanted me anymore. 

There's plenty of fish in the water and who'd want a fucked up trout moving aimlessly not knowing what she wants. Even if she knows, doesn't have the courage to pursue her callings.

Covered in shame I started college but failed again due to my tendency of self-destruction.

10 years had passed without any communication between us.

But life has a very good sense of humour.

A few days ago I took my dad to the hospital for an x-ray. While I waited I saw that there was a doctor named Anirban Saha on the board. The doctor was a psychiatrist.

My heart stopped beating.

After all these years!! could it be!!

No way.

Who would want to come back to this shithole once they are out?

I got up, trembling and went to the reception and asked about their psychiatrist. Even though I currently have one, I booked my slot.

I had to be sure.

The date was 21 February 2021

I could not sleep properly for days because I kept mulling over if it is him or someone else with the same name. If it IS him then what would we talk about? Gosh, it'd be so awkward.

On the morning of the 21st, I came to a decision that I'll ditch the appointment because it's pointless. My old dad noticed this frivolity in me and asked what had happened.

I wanted to tell him but for some reason, I didn't. Maybe I still didn't forgive him for accelerating my now deceased mother's tantrums and gifting a calculus book to an already fucked up myself.

But things are loads better now.

"Just going to see a friend", I could not believe the words that came out of my mouth and what my subconscious was thinking.

"Old friend", sounded cool. So I dressed up nicely just in case it is him. Even if it is not him I have nothing to lose.

I actually have a lot to lose.