Letters

Little Me

I'm sorry that I wasn't who I wanted to be.
I'm sorry that I never felt well enough to jump in and see

Who I could've been.
Who knows how people I could've gained as my friends?
Who knows if I never walked this path that I went?
Who knows if I grew up to be happier, and the fun never saw any end?

So many possibilities, but I'm only stuck with one.
And it's the one that I don't like, the one where I rarely ever think about slicing my neck to be done.
The one where I consistently struggle with a broken family, so I think about stealing with a left hand on the bulk of a gun.
I'm wanting children, but I'm too scared to even bear the birth of the light of a sun.

I'm better alone, but I'm best when I have my loved ones on my back.
I don't like the weight, but I wait it out on the scales of patience.
I have to learn to quit whining, hold my sack.
Praying for those who cursed me, and I know who the snakes are, Adam and Eve talked to one, the snakes'll remain nameless.

When I was 5, I wished on a star.
I hoped and prayed to God that my world would be pitch perfect.
My version of that wasn't Anna Kendrick singing, it was my family all together, even if the world was scarred and covered up with black tar.
No, I didn't ever get that, I suffered to get humble with blessing from the Lord, but was it worth it?

I'm nearly 18,
But I'm still waiting

On that wish.
I'm waiting for a connection or a signal, I'm a satellite dish.

I walk the Earth as a mere boy, seeing the men act the same as me.
Most of you have been here longer than me, but you're just as lame as me.
I've been tripping lately, and you can tell from how many times that I've scraped my knees.
I used to walk with people preying on me, but I look into the mirror and I start to see why they were hating me.

I have family; I have friends and I have a demon.
This beast is confused like I, so I capture the rage and hold it in, it's feigning

To come out, looking at the bigger picture with the vision of a panorama.
I have these things, but I'm still alone.
I can't say that no one understands because I'm the only one who is too far beneath to stand it.
So I scroll through Twitter and YouTube on my phone.

I pray that I find someone to talk to.
Some inspiration to send me on a walk through

A better...
A better what; all I seem to do is say the thing and rehearse it in a different arrangement of letters.

I could email you 20 different combinations of the alphabet now, and that's my poetry.
The same things rehearsed, it's amazing.
This whole thing is beginning to phase me, driving me crazy but that's how it flows in me.
Through my bloodstream, it's in my bloody body, the pen strains my hand, glazing over the paper with my hands and wrists veiny.

I'm a young black man
Growing from a kid, but never have that mojo to go back, man.
I'm getting old enough to legally get a lap dance,
But I'll stay away from that and drugs; married and stable with little ones, I want to be that man.
I'm the black Batman.

Dark and brooding,
I hide it with a smile and I keep it moving.
I hear my own thoughts, they scare me, so I drown it all out with my music, it's soothing.
I feel my breakdown looming.

Little me wanted tens of great friends to keep it touch with.
Little guy wanted a perfect tight-knit family, and was willing to take nothing
For granted; he had so much love to
Give, and so many ideas with his twin brother; had so much potential, but now they're struggling.

Little me was in love with love,
Knew what it felt like without even knowing what it was.
Back then, I'd have the cup
Have it filled halfway, half full and half goes in the gut.

Little me was literally too little to live life on my lonesome.
Yo, I remember waking at 9 years old with the radio on at 7:00; Mama's helping me get ready for school as I enjoyed the moments.
She knew how to instantly patch me up whenever my sweet little heart had got broken.
The way that I can paint the picture, you see that it's crystal clear, my art rarely garners some kind of prestige, I'm Nolan.

Little guy,
I'm so sorry that I couldn't be the young man that you wanted us to become.
I'm so gosh darn sorry that I couldn't be sun that you wanted to shine.
You'll tell me it's okay, but I failed you because I'm too inadequate to keep this up.

Super long poems and long haikus.
You'll grow up with a lot of enemies, but the one who will hate you the most is just like you.

Don't look in the mirror, don't do it.
If you see a good guy, then believe in your dreams.
Don't stay in the mirror too long, keep it moving
Before you realize that the same guy who will hate you the most... is me.