One Shots

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

Today was a day that will forever be etched in my memory. Christian proposed to me in front of our family and friends after five years of being in a relationship. Although I had always dreamed of this moment, I was completely caught off guard and didn't know what to say. My mind suddenly feels clouded on which direction to follow for my happiness with a yes or a no. An answer that would change my life.

My only answer at the moment was that I needed to think about it. Does that make me a bad person? To just leave him hanging like that without an answer I don't know when I will have. I needed time to think and process my feelings, so I ran away from the scene to pour my heart and tears out on these pages. It's the only way I can get it together. 

My love for Christian is strong, but I have doubts about our future. On good days, I feel loved and secure, but on bad days, I feel stuck and unhappy. I worry that our relationship is not progressing, and marriage may not be the solution. I love him with every fiber of my being, but I'm not sure if he fulfills my needs and expectations. I worry that our relationship is not going anywhere and that getting married is not the solution, especially to my fear of loneliness. I'm not shifting all the blame on him because nobody is perfect, and you can't expect people to be. But what if I wake up one day and realize it was all a mistake? What if what I feel about all this might never change? People don't change; they just work on being better. 

Christian shows me how much he loves me in our good moments, which compensates for all he doesn't do. I sometimes wonder if we would be better off without each other, but I truly believe the opposite. I want to make him happy and be happy with him, but I sometimes don't know how. I love him with every fiber of my being and would love to be with him for the rest of my life. To find each other needs that make a deep hole in ourselves and work to fill them. To travel the world together and do things we both enjoy. To have a good relationship with each other's families. To support each other and be each other's best friends. 

But then when I look at my expectations, I have doubts that sometimes we're not even halfway there. How do I know if we ever will get there? Whenever we have to get out of our comfort zone to concede, we do it halfway for some things, but for others, we just don't. But this man, this enigma that I'm with, shows me how much he loves me in our good moments, which at the moment he does them compensates for all he doesn't do, and this is where my dilemma begins. I sometimes wonder if we'd be better off without each other, but other times I truly believe the opposite. I want him to be happy and to make him happy as he does me. I hope I do but is that enough? Sometimes I ask myself how long I can keep that up before bad things keep adding space between us. To focus on being a better person to myself and him. On loving myself and what I want my future to be like and walking the path of life as best, I can. I'm scared that with time what will happen with time is inevitable. Maybe not today, but I don't see myself with Christian forever if our relationship continues down this path. It will be destructive for what we have. I wish I had a manual of what I could do to get out of this predicament and mixed feelings. I don't want to shift all the blame on him, as I have my flaws as well, but I want to give my all to what we have.

Does anyone ever feel the same? Can other people out there relate to how I'm feeling and thinking? How do you know when to keep fighting and when the fight is lost? Is loving each other enough and figuring out everything else along the way? 

I pray every day to find the answers I seek with time, to focus on being a better person to myself and him, and on loving myself and what I want my future to be like. I know that no one else will understand my deep darkest secrets and desires, and I need to follow my heart at the end of the day, but my head tries to reason with me. It hurts to feel like this. To feel in a loop reliving the same day over again. When will this groundhog day end? When will I decide to end it remove those thoughts from my head? Is there still hope left? Have I just grown accustomed to him being there and his love for me? Is custom confounded with wanting to go on? It's not a question of doubting what I feel but of until what point loving each other is a reason strong enough to remain together forever? Is this the man for me, or should I just give up on love altogether? I feel each man is more of the same, but at the same time, this is my man, a soulmate in a way to me because when we're in understanding, I feel nothing can tear us apart. But how long does it last versus the bad days? Is that enough?

All these questions cloud my mind since they turned into an everlasting poison and spread all over my mind, body, and soul. Usurping it, dominating it. I want to hate him when I feel I'm trying, and he doesn't concede. Those times I want to tear off the part of my heart where he's planted his roots so deeply that even if I tried, I couldn't dig them out. 

I have more than my share of flaws, but I try to work on being better every day and give my best. I want to give my all to what we have but sometimes truly don't know how. I wish I had a manual of what I could do to get out of this predicament and mixed feelings. You're the only one who knows my deep darkest secrets and desires. No one else will understand and will have advice I can't even follow because I need to follow my heart at the end of the day, but my head tries to reason with me. I can't do this alone. I need you. I will keep writing and searching for the answers I seek.

Love, Satine.

****

After I finished writing down my thoughts, I turned the page and waited with bated breath. You see, my diary wasn't just any ordinary notebook. It was enchanted and held a special power - whenever I wrote something in it, it would reply with wise and comforting words.

As I sat there, staring at the blank page, I knew that soon enough, the black ink would start to form into sentences, and the diary's familiar handwriting would appear before my eyes. I had so many questions that I needed answers to, and I trusted that my friend would have the insight and guidance that I needed.

I smiled to myself, feeling grateful for this precious gift that I held in my hands - a true friend who was always there for me, no matter what.