One Shots

Neither, Nor

As I replayed the events of the past few months alone between light and darkness, I couldn't think about how my intuition kept trying to warn me. I was so caught up that I convinced myself everything was fine, and I was overthinking things. I let it cloud my better judgement. But now, looking back, I realize it was never meant to be. Why did I overlook a red flag when it clearly surpassed the green one?

The words, "I knew this would happen. I should have seen this coming. I should have listened to my gut"; kept repeating in my mind to the point they became a mantra I couldn't shake off. They echoed in my head and became my surroundings, engulfing the now white room as time passed yet stood still, turning light into darkness every passing day. I succumbed to those words to the point I could not find my way out of this loop. Every sunny day turned rainy, and the rain would pound on the windows unlike anything you'd ever seen. The flowers on the table died out, and it felt as if all the happiness in the world vanished.

Now, as I thought back on how I felt, I couldn't help but wonder why I had ever thought this was the right choice. Once in too deep I brushed everything off as a minor issue. Believing I could conquer my fears. But now, I sit looking at my beating heart in my hands, I realize that alone was not enough to sustain something that was built on a shaky foundation.

My heart was beautiful, warm and slightly moist, it pulsated rhythmically against my skin. The texture smooth, with a firm yet gentle pressure that felt alive and vibrant. Each beat sent a wave of motion, a subtle thrum resonating through my fingers, connecting me to its life force. It felt both delicate and powerful, a reminder of the fragility and strength of life itself. The warmth radiated the room, enveloping me in a profound sense of connection and vulnerability.

"I'm so sorry I let this happen to you, me, us."

I was on the wrong path. Sitting in silence on the bed just talking to my broken heart. I realized I had to make a difficult decision. It was time to walk away, start fresh, and make peace with the fact that some things are a repetitive cycle. I had to have faith, even if I was on the brink of giving up altogether. Even if it meant starting over, I know now I need to choose myself.

"We are losing her." I hear voices in the background talking all of a sudden. "She is struggling to hold on."

I could feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins, everything felt distant and hazy. Suddenly, a sharp pain shot through my chest, like nothing I had ever experienced before.

This had to be a different world, it was a surreal feeling as if I was in a dream-like state, detached from my body. I look down and suddenly face my mortality and my broken body fragile, bruised, my eyes shut gracefully. Looking at my heart and the recent rejection it carries with it. Many number of times I had put myself out there and lost count how many more I had been disappointed. It was enough to make me question everything - my worth, my value, and whether I would ever find someone who could love me for who I was.

This couldn't be real; the reality I thought I was in was not mine. I remembered now I was in the hospital, what had happened, and why I was dying. I'd been in a car accident on my way to see the same person I ached for but didn't feel the same. Now my life was hanging in the balance because I was careless. But at that moment, all I could focus on was the pain I felt. Like I had been punched in the chest and my whole body, over and over again. I could barely catch my breath. But even through the agony, I was grateful I might still be alive.

I was struggling to hold on, it wasn't just physical pain I was dealing with, but emotional pain too—the kind that felt like a heavy weight on my chest, crushing my spirit. I was on the brink of death from a broken heart or wounds and I didn't know which was worse. People tell you time heals all wounds, but what they don't tell you, and you find out for yourself, is that the ache never seems to fade, no matter how much time passes. A pain that consumes you, leaving you feeling lost and helpless. Memories of what was and what could have been only intensify the pain, and it's hard to focus on anything else.