𝐩𝐮𝐫𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐩𝐞𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐬, 𝐝𝐞𝐞𝐩 𝐛𝐥𝐮𝐞 𝐞𝐲𝐞𝐬 | 𝐣𝐞𝐠𝐮𝐥𝐮𝐬

one - shock

The stupid wind again. James despised it. He closed his eyes to squeeze the tear out, wondering whether it came from the stinging cold or the terrible weight crushing his stomach he couldn't get rid of for what seemed like forever. He was supposed to show up at a meeting that started half an hour ago but he couldn't manage to get himself together. It all got too much again. His mind suddenly filled with the urge to leave everything behind. To simply leave.

The life he was currently living felt so distant. It did not feel like his own, not really. He felt as though he got pushed into someone else's place, someone from a different dimension, someone stronger, happier and different . It wasn't his life . It all went wrong, long ago.

He hated himself for feeling so alone. He truly had no one, the others were all so far, even though it wasn't their fault. It wasn't anyone's fault. If anything, it was his own fault. The guilt was unbearable, and there was nothing to do, his existence was miserable. The guilt didn't really change much. Despite being The James Potter , surrounded with the kindest, strongest and bravest circle of people he could ever ask for, there was no one left for him. Absolutely no one. And nothing on earth that could be done about that. Not since...

He supposed there was his son, maybe one day he'll grow up to be the one to understand, the one to confide in, but that's so long , too many painful years. Besides, the boy is more Lily's son than he could ever be his. He barely felt like a father. Maybe a walking silhouette of a man, filled with emptiness and guilt, only the terrible, endless guilt and lies. With a life far off from where it was supposed to go.

No, he reminded himself, Lily is there. She knows , and will be there for him forever. He simply couldn't believe she would ever actually understand. James felt sorry for Lily more than anyone in his life. An angel sent from heaven with the purest of souls. He felt horrible for crushing her precious being like this, with his own ugly life. Ripping her away from the beautiful future she deserved; a perfect husband and a lot of kids, a gorgeous house and happiness . He was only clogging her life with dirt, with the dark shadow of his past she never asked for.

Still, it was her who chose him. Despite all his warnings, all the red flags he made sure to make clear, she still chose him, very intently. So he supposed it was her decision. She knew what she was getting herself into.

He loved her, he truly did. As a friend, the best and closest friend he ever had. And now as a wife, bringing some light to him in the most miserable times.

She was the only one he ever told. On a dark evening, right before she wanted to kiss him. He couldn't let her kiss him without telling her. He couldn't let her love him without making sure she knows. And it turned out she figured it out on her own anyway, which only proved she was meant to know. James felt sure it was what He would have wanted as well.

Lily had been actively reaching out towards James ever since It happened, maybe even before. It slowly became clear that It was something she secretly always knew. She had been the kindest and the most understanding about it. She was endlessly soft, always there for James. Always being the only one to know exactly what he needs. She moved in with him when his parents died. It wasn't really a question. Lily simply knew where she was needed.

He barely had any memory of those weeks, all he knew was they were filled with pure grief and Lily, just Lily. Her, taking care of him. He stopped feeling right then, his brain going blank and his heart empty. At that point, he became entirely useless for the Order for a while.

He hated himself for thinking this, but he supposed his parents' death was a good cover for the giant hole in his heart and the crushing weight of grief he already was dealing with. He could finally stop pretending. The uncomfortable and unwanted questions about his well-being stopped then, he was excused from missions and they finally left him alone. He finally had a reason for being the state he was in. It was exactly what he would have needed from the beginning.