amour (bucky barnes x reader)

4

Buckys POV

I can't believe it

Her.

How is she here? I thought she was dead. I thought I killed her.

But yet she's here

What do you say to someone who you kidnapped, tortured, and experimented on?

Oh hey sorry for all that stuff I did while I was being brainwashed, I know you probably are going to have trauma for the rest of your life, oopsies.

Oh god Tony

He cannot find out. I'll be out of this tower for good after I've finally found a home and people who genuinely care about me

No no please, I can't leave

But every time I see her it just reminds me of me, a complete monster

Because every time I look at her I see her in the chair screaming, pleading for her mother. Her bloody and bruised face when I would punch her over and over and over. How they would drag her around like a rag doll.

But there are moments I look back on, when she first arrived and her face was still tinted with color, and her soul was still a blaze. And I was like an artist, slowly filling her beautiful colorful canvas with colors of grey and black. And I was like an ocean. Slowly spilling out water into her so that her soul, like mine would lose its blaze and my mission was to put her fire out.

And I did just that because

She was my mission

I'm sure she still has all those scars scattered on her body. Her figure that was once pure, clean, and smooth. Now rigid and has the hands of hundreds of soldiers on them. They probably burn into her skin everyday and remind her of it, as do mine

And I wish so deeply that I could be in a position where I could take a rag and wipe all the scars and hands off her, but I am the scar and hand and the all that caused her pain.

And I wish I could explain to her that I was simply the puppet and they were the marionettes. But you only see the puppet when he preforms, the marionette is hidden and the puppet takes all the blame. So how would she understand if all she's ever seen is the puppet? How could she ever blame the marionette when she doesn't even know there is one.

So I sat there at dinner, sitting right across from her and I had to act normal, while I cannot imagine the nightmare she must be having.

"So how was you and Steve's training today Buck?"

"Oh uh yeah it was good" I said

She flinched when I talked

Flinched

I want to throw myself off this tower right now

We finish eating and me and Steve stay back and watch some tv

The "living area" and kitchen are far apart but I can hear her and tony talking

She wants to know if I'm living here.

Tony says yes but asks if there's a problem

She's gonna tell him and I'm going to have to leave. I close my eyes and prepare for the next words to come out of her mouth

"Oh uh no just wondering, ok goodnight" She said quickly

So she's not going to tell anyone? Do they not know she has powers?

Oh my god they don't know she has powers

As selfish and horrible as it is I feel happy, happy that she couldn't tell them and I'll get to stay

"I'm gonna head up, night idiot"

"Goodnight stupid"

See that's why I can't leave

Steve

I have to stay , I can't leave Steve again

I head over to the elevator and push the button and it opens quickly, a little to quickly

I turn my head up

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

I thought she went upstairs a little while ago. I must've pushed the button right when she did on the inside so it still opened here

She looks up and her face drains all its color

I step in with my head down and try to get farthest away from her as possible

If I had a knife, I would need to sharpen it to cut the tension in this elevator

"How are you here?" She blurted out

She spoke to me?

"Uh um what?"

"I mean I know how you're here but how are you not in jail?"

"Why would I be in jail?"

"Because you've kidnapped, tortured, and murdered countless amounts of people"

"That wasn't me"

"Yes it was, you look the exact same, so yes it was you"

"No it was the winter solider, it was Hydra, I'm not Hydra"

Silence again

"Are you here often?"

"I just moved in"

She scoffed

"Oh that is the best news I've ever heard"

What do I even say?

Then she spoke again

"I know I'm new here, but please do not come near me, don't come to my floor, dont be around me if you don't have to, don't talk to me. I just want this 8 months to go by as fast as it can so I can get away from you and start my life again. Because being around you takes me back and I have finally finally gotten over it, kinda. And seeing you here it just takes me back. So just stay away from me. You- Your face I can still see it so vividly back in the Hydra cell and your metal arm. I cannot and will not be around you. And you can't tell anyone what happened or anything you may or may not know about me because you're just going to ruin my life, not that you already haven't but know you're going to ruin what I have built up. So stay. away. from. me. "

And with that the elevator door opened and she walked out. I didn't even know what to do or how to think.

I wish for once that this never ending sadness would end. The guilt I cannot deal with it

At my time in Hydra I used to sit in my cell and beg my brain for hours to feel one ounce of emotion besides being a numb nothingness all the time, but now I wish I could go back to my naiveness of emotions.

Because being numb is better than feeling all the time

Ever since I got out of Hydra I have been waiting for love, happiness, friends

Or death. Whichever comes sooner. To get me out of this never-ending pain cycle.

-

a/n- ok so i was really inspired and like ready to write shit when i started this and now i feel like its so bad like re reading i get second hand embarrsemnt and im also not exactly sure where i want this to go bc im also working on a peter parker story too!

butttttt im really trying so just bare with me and usually i write 3 or so chapters and then publish so there's more than just like 1 chapter! i can usually update once a week but im stuck in colorado right now bc of weather so just give me like 2 days and then i should be updating a lot more!!

ok im in love with sebastian stan that's it bye