Burn to ash

Chapter 1

June 2019

There are a lot of moments that stand quite clear in Louis' mind; he's had a rather amazing time of it in his life, and there are more than a few that he knows most blokes might kill for. Madison Square Garden, Wembley, winning a VMA, winning a Brit. Then there are the moments that Louis remembers because they changed his life irrevocably afterwards.

His X-Factor audition.

Torn.

Hearing "What Makes You Beautiful" on the radio for the very first time.

And Zayn showing up at his door five years after One Direction officially went their separate ways.

It had been a rather ordinary day before that, the same way that the previous five years had seemed alarmingly, horribly ordinary to Louis.

He doesn't really miss the crowds and the hassle and the nonsense, and it's been nice to be home and get as much sleep as he wants and play FIFA to his heart's content. He's even been working on his songwriting, but only with other artists. Nothing for himself. Even if he could stomach the thought of going back on the stage, the songs always end up way too personal for him to ever sing himself.

He'd give everything away, and after so many years of hiding, it's become a depressing habit.

It's midday when Louis hears the knock and answers it without even glancing in the peephole. He's gotten out of that habit too. The paps left him alone six months into the split, once they figured out he wasn't going to do anything interesting other than jaunt to the Tesco--or once they figured out Harry wasn't going to be coming back anytime soon, and if he did, this house on a quiet side street in London wouldn't ever be his destination .

But when he opens the door and Zayn is standing there, completely unannounced, Louis can't help but feel the sluggish heart in his chest accelerate. Maybe in fear. Maybe in hope. Maybe they're the same thing now . It's so hard to tell one from the other, anymore.

"Zayn," he still crows, throwing his arms around the man for a big hug. "It's so good to see you, man. Come in."

Zayn's expression is so solemn even through this introduction that Louis feels even sicker.

It's bad news. It's definitely bad news. Louis tries to glance behind him for a handy seat so he can sit down before Zayn lays it on him.

"Sorry I didn't ring before," Zayn says so hesitantly that Louis almost wants to grab and shake him and demand he get on with it.

"It's fine, I never see enough of the lads these days. You've been busy with Perrie and the baby, I'm sure."

"Busy, yeah," Zayn says.

"So what brings you my way?" Louis finally gets up the courage to ask.

"Lou," he says, his voice so worried that Louis is actually, really afraid now. "I know this is going to be hard for you to hear. . ."

The truth is that nothing can be worse than utter silence.

Because Louis' imagination, which he'd never considered particularly active before, has spent the last five years filling in the blanks. And these are the thoughts that keep him up nights, and drive him to drink more than is probably healthy.

Okay . There's no probably about it. He definitely drinks more than is healthy.

"Just say it, Zayn," Louis finally intercedes. "Just say it."