Burn to ash

Chapter 11

The night before the dress rehearsal, Louis is too tense and wound up to sleep. Normally, he might be pleased about this development, as no sleep means no dreams about Harry, but he isn't crazy enough to think that insomnia is the right solution to anything.

Even Harry fucking Styles.

He tosses and turns for an hour, and finally gives up, shucking the covers from his sweaty legs, and ventures downstairs, grabbing a bottle of water from the kitchen. He gulps about half of it as he stares at the spot where he kissed Harry a few weeks ago.

Louis knows he's definitely nervous about the tour dress rehearsal tomorrow. Things are not nearly as settled or routine as he would like--and out of the five of them, he's usually the most laidback about that sort of thing. But nerves over the tour aren't why he can't sleep. The truth is, he's spent the last week thinking about the conversation he had with Liam after the club. While he's been at rehearsal, when he's watching TV, when he should really be sleeping--the thoughts won't leave him alone.

Harry's been back long enough that the first time he sees him now, Louis doesn't freeze inside, shock and awe exploding equally inside his heart. He's still not completely comfortable, or really comfortable at all, around Harry, but Louis is fairly certain that if he could figure out what he actually wants to do--what he should --do with Harry, then the awkwardness between them would probably disappear.

The problem is that Louis still doesn't know what that is.

He knows what he wants--and Louis takes it as major character development that instead of just going grabby hands over what he wants, like he always used to in the past, he's learned to look before leaping. He's fucking maturing. The downside of this is, of course, the sleepless nights, when he lays awake in the bedroom they used to share and wonders what the fuck the right thing is to do .

Somehow, what he's going to do and what Louis believes he should do have gotten horribly tangled up together.

He hears what people say. He hears the snide jokes on the late night talk shows. He even goes on his twitter mentions sometimes, though that's a frankly terrifying exercise. He knows that everyone (mostly) blames Harry for their relationship falling apart, and Louis can't help but believe that the blame is basically justified. Harry did leave him and stay gone for five long years.

Alongside all the talk over the One Direction reunion, there is also a lot of talk about their own personal reunion. Most people seem to believe that Louis would be a major pushover and basically a huge wimp if he sucks it up and forgives Harry.

Only a few months ago, Louis himself would have been aghast at even the thought of taking Harry back. He's a firm believer in second chances, but the five years kind of negates even the vague idea of a second chance. Harry is more on his ten billionth chance at this point.

It's an unavoidable thought, Louis thinks, his eyes still glued to where he'd so thoughtlessly pressed Harry up against the counter. He generally doesn't give a shit what people think, but when it's what he himself has always believed, then it's rather a different story.

He knows if it was one of his friends, desperately trying to figure out what to do, Louis would tell them that anyone who takes a lover back who's treated them like shit is practically asking to be treated like shit again.

And Louis really does not want to be humiliated and dumped and abandoned all over again. He isn't sure he could take it and while he doesn't really believe that Harry will do it again, he didn't believe Harry would do it the first time around either. Clearly he has terrible judgement where Harry is concerned --except that even after they've been through, it's hard for Louis to wrap his mind around that.