Dimensions Of The Heart

Breathe (I'm Here)

 
 
 
 
  "Fei Du!" Luo Wenzhou cried out hoarsely, his heart thudding painfully in his chest as ice slithered through his veins, heart pounding in fear and panic.
 
  Luo Wenzhou had rushed onto the scene as quick as he could, kicking the arm of the man holding a gun pointed at his subordinate Xiao Haiyang, and saw Fei Du on the ground before him, struggling, feebly clutching at the metal ring suffocating him. Luo Wenzhou's mind was chaotic and he could hear his frantic heart still thudding in his ears with a roar.
 
 
He dropped to his knees with a thud, breathing shakily and used his trembling fingers to reach around Fei Du's neck to get the metal ring off him. Fei Du himself had already stopped struggling and was completely motionless, arms limp at his sides. Too still.
 
 
 
The ice in Luo Wenzhou's veins thickened and he choked on fear. He heard a click and removed the metal ring from Fei Du's neck.
 
 
 
Luo Wenzhou waited for the pale man laid out before him to suck in a breath, to breathe, to show any signs of life. But Fei Du didn't move, there was no sharp intake of breath. Just horrifying stillness. 
 
 
 
He held his shaky fingers beneath Fei Du's nose to feel if he was breathing, only to feel nothing. Luo Wenzhou laid an ear over Fei Du's chest, above his heart, listening intently for a pulse.
 
 
 
 Luo Wenzhou felt as if an invisible hand had grabbed his heart and was slowly squeezing it when he could not hear the sound of Fei Du's heartbeat. There was nothing, no pulse of life, just only silence.
 
Emptiness.
 
 
 
  The invisible hand around his heart tightened and squeezed terribly. Luo Wenzhou's heart felt as though it was frozen over by terror, ice spreading through his chest, numbing him.
 
  He blocked out the noise around him, only focused on the pale still figure before him, desperate, frantic.
 
 "Fei Du!" He cried out again, pinching the others nose and parting lips to breathe life into him, sharing his own breath.
 
   "Fei Du!" He kept calling hoarsely as he placed his hands on top of each other and started to pump Fei Du's heart, trying to start it up again. Fei Du, come on. Bastard! Breathe! Breathe! Fei Du! 
 
 
 
 
 "Fei Du! Breathe, dammit! C'mon, please breathe, please… Fei Du! You need to breathe!" He choked, pressing his lips to the others once more, giving his breath to him. Don't die! You can't die! Don't die! Don't you dare die on me, bastard! 
 
  Fei Du's body was pale and unresponsive except for the forceful undulating movements of his chest underneath Luo Wenzhou's hands as he administered chest compressions to pump his heart. Luo Wenzhou cursed. His arms ached, his chest ached, his eyes burned with unshed tears and ground his teeth together and kept furiously pumping Fei Du's still heart beneath his hands, pushing any away that tried to stop him.
 
Fei Du! Come on! You have to breathe, come on, come back to me, breathe! Breathe! Damn you! Breathe! Luo Wenzhou chanted in his mind as he kept doing chest compressions to pump Fei Du's heart, switching to pressing his lips to Fei Du's, forcing air down his lungs and then immediately went back to pumping Fei Du's heart when there was still no response, no sign of life. 
 
  He didn't know how much time had passed but it felt like forever and he needed, he needed Fei Du to wake up. 
 
He needed Fei Du to breathe, to open his eyes once more. 
 
He refused to give up on Fei Du, even though his mind was in shambles as he tried to grasp a thread of hope in his heart through the haze of panic and fear clouding his thoughts and he continuously pleaded to Fei Du in his heart and mind.
I can't...
I can't lose you...
Fei Du...
Please don't leave me...
Don't die! 
You can't be dead!
Fei Du!
 
   A ringing noise echoed in his ears as he recalled what that bastard Fan Siyuan had just shouted and then remembered all the things Fei Du had spoken, all the signs he missed.
 
“Press down! Press down! Fei Chengyu used that thing to train you to squeeze your mother’s throat, countless times! Have you forgotten! Aren’t all your dreams of killing him? Huh?”
 
 
 
“Strangling someone is a lengthy and enjoyable means of killing.” 
 
 
 
“Could you…give me another chance to pretend I’m seeing my mom?” 
 
 
 
“The cause of her death isn’t what’s trapping me.” 
 
 
 
“There are hundreds of thousands of tall buildings in the world. Why did she choose this one?”
 
 
 
“I don’t have any…trauma.”
 
 
 
Luo Wenzhou's chest felt hollowed out. 
 
 
He remembered the chilling scene of the ice-cold, damp basement, Fei Du's involuntary coughing whenever the subject was brought up, the eternal looping song that played over and over...
 
 
   He recalled that summer day - seeing that little boy leaning against the villa who was unable to merge and blend into the world, his eyes piercing and stubborn; hiding all sorts of horror and pain with his lonely silhouette cast out behind him. It was as though he could see the boy's shadow lurking and lonesome behind him in his mind even in the broad light of day.
 
 Luo Wenzhou wished he could rip through time and go back to that moment in the past, take that child into his arms, dragging him out of his unrevealed, unknown pain (dragging him out of the darkness that seemed to echo in those young eyes) and to say to him from his heart, "I'm here. I'm here now. Sorry, I'm late. I'm so sorry. I came too late."  
 
 
 
 "Fei Du… Fei Du…!" Please breathe! Please! Come back! Come back to me! Luo Wenzhou choked, tears dripping down his face and onto the man before him, the man he was desperate to call back. He bent over and pressed his forehead to Fei Du's. Please.
 
Please.
 
Please.
 
Please... Fei Du. Please breathe for me.
 
Please come back. 
 
I'm here, Fei Du.
 
I"m here now.
 
I'm right here beside you. 
 
 So please. . . Breathe….
 
 
 
He breathed another breath into Fei Du's lungs and pumped his heart once again, refusing to give up. C'mon! Dammit! Breathe! 
 
  Fei Du!
 
" Dammit! Fucking breathe, you bastard! Come on! Please! Fei Du, please! Open your eyes !" Luo Wenzhou shouted.
 
  I'm here. 
 
I'm right fucking here, so open up your eyes for me. 
Take a breath for me, come on!
 
   Luo Wenzhou wanted to sob and yell and pound his fists into the ground. His tears fell silently, his heart cleaved in two as he desperately kept pushing down to pump Fei Du's heart, trying to bring the other back even though his efforts seemed futile. 
There was still no flicker of life in Fei Du, Luo Wenzhou's breath heaved from exertion as he pumped Fei Du's heart. He refused to let him go. Not like this! 
  He paused, slammig a fist into the ground next to him in grief as he barely held back his cries. He leaned over Fei Du to give him another breath after pushing his turmoil down, he would then do more chest compressions (he couldnt give up - he'd give Fei Du everything he had).
   Luo Wenzhou jerked back, startled, in shock as he heard Fei Du finally suck in a breath, gasping a little before his breathing calmed to an even rhythm. It had felt like forever wainting for the other to breathe again. Luo Wenzhou's eyes widened, wet with more tears as he fully realized Fei Du was finally breathing again. Luo Wenzhou quickly placed his hand under the others nose just to be sure it wasn't an illusion and all the tension left his body and he sagged forward, resting his forehead against Fei Du's chest that was undulating with each new breath. 
 
    Luo Wenzhou went nearly boneless, a sob held back in his throat, a choked low hoarse garbled breath of relief. He splayed his palm on Fei Du's chest. He watched Fei Du's chest rise and fall steadily, feeling Fei Du's heart was thumping steadily beneath his hand. 
 
 
He pulled Fei Du into his trembling arms, held him tight in his embrace, the ice in his veins finally thawing and his heart calmed, hearing the person in his arms breathing once more. Alive. 
 
 
Thank you , he thought, pressing his lips on the crest of Fei Du's forehead, still holding him close as if he would shatter if he didn't. Luo Wenzhou held Fei Du close, and didn't let go for that moment and when he did let go, he held onto the others hand- holding tight, keeping Fei Du tethered to the world, tethered to him. 
 
 
 
  Fei Du woke up on the stretcher in the ambulance to the hospital, blinking blearily at him, and gave a small smile and spoke in a low hoarse voice, "All the monsters are cleared away and gone, I'm the last one. Can you lock me away in your home?"
 
 
 
Luo Wenzhou couldn't bear it. This Fei Du really was a monster, able to create the greatest torture in Luo Wenzhou's life to torment him with. 
 
 
 
Luo Wenzhou, "...." This damned brat.
 
 

 Luo Wenzhou's eyes snapped open, he was startled awake, heart pounding.
 
    In a fit of panic, he reach out to his side and grasped Fei Du's hand lying atop the covers, and carefully grasped those slender fingers into his palm, he let out the breath that had caught inside his throat as his throbbing heart calmed and he relaxed, lying back down. 
 
  Luo Wenzhou's gaze caressed Fei Du's sleeping countenance, his shallow slow breaths. It was hard to picture, reconciling this beautiful sleeping man with what he had experienced in his life and the things he had done. 
 
   Luo Wenzhou gently smoothed the other's hair from his face, fingers gliding through it softly and cupping his cheek and watched the other man murmur, eyes fluttering in sleep as he nuzzled his face into Luo Wenzhou's palm, pressing a kiss to it before settling down once more, still sleeping peacefully. 
 
  Luo Wenzhou's eyes studied the lingering bruises on Fei Du's pale neck. 
 
 
  He thought back, remembering the terror, the panic when Fei Du had stopped breathing and had no heartbeat. This person lying next to him, peacefully sleeping, and breathing -  warm and alive .
 
 
 
He had almost lost him. Fei Du had died, struggling to breathe. He was able to do CPR and bring him back, but what if?
 
 
 
What if he hadn't been able to get his heart beating again? 
 
 
 
He would have never been able to see this person again. Fei Du wouldn't be peacefully sleeping by his side. He would be... gone.
 
 
 
Fear and panic rose up fiercely, making Luo Wenzhou's heart constrict in his chest. He let out a shaky breath and carefully scooted closer, and gently laid his head on Fei Du's chest, ear pressed down to listen to the sleeping man's heartbeat. 
 
 
 
   I love you , he thought.
 
 
 
 Luo Wenzhou closed his eyes and revelled in the sound of Fei Du's heartbeat, the calm and peaceful thumping echoing in his ear. He relaxed more, lulled by that sound and began drifting to sleep once more, unaware of the hands that wrapped around him from a man still deep asleep, pulling him into a comforting embrace. 
 
 
 
Home.

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This oneshot fanfic was written for/inspired by Chinese Boy love/danmei novel MoDu/Silent Reading from Novel Updates. I read full english translation and it was amazing. Thank you for reading. I hope you liked it. Please let me know what you think in comments.