My Plauge

Chapter 22: Corey

I turned off the taps as I sunk into the water observing the damage on my arms.

I sighed as I lowered it into the boiling hot water too. I wanted my skin to turn pink and my mind to melt.

I was out of it.

My hangover sucked. I was glad joey didnt go to my room.

I was ashamed. I slipped up. I wanted to be clean. I just felt so numb yesterday I wanted to feel.

Joey didnt understand. While I'm sure he had his own battles. And I wasnt doubting them for a second. My family or well my mothers side had a huge long running problem with mental illnesses. And well from what my mom says about my dad. I didnt know why he wrote me off. It pissed me the fuck off because I dont know what I did for him to not want me.

But I was accustom to it now.

I just didnt want joey to leave me....if he left me. I wouldnt know what I would do.

But I did.

I'd kill myself.

I placed my hands over my face as I pulled down.

I was pathetic.

I hugged myself softly as I stared up at the ceiling and sighed closing my eyes. Maybe I could just...drown?

No. But I wish.

I loved how the water encased me, as I gently closed my eyes.

It was dark and I couldn't see much, it was almost peaceful compared to the whirlwind which was my head.

My head was trying to consume me. But now being in darkness, under the water, it felt...perfect.

I could sense the dirt clinging to my skin. And not wanting to budge.

I had become accustom to being dirt. Being dirty. Gross.

I lent my head back as I felt the blood rush too my head.

I stayed like that for a while. Trying to feel something. Anything.

I was numb.

But a depressing numb.

I closed my eyes again feeling the water move around my cold scared fucked up body.

I could hear the taps dripping. And I could feel the goosebumps on my skin.

I ran a hand through my hair. I knew my roots where showing. Which sucked.

I decided I was going to bleach it back out later today.

Maybe cut it again?

Who knew?

I didnt have that concept Joey seemed to have. I didnt know who was I. What was wrong with me? I didnt have that identity that belonged to me. Pieces of it where just stolen from other people.

I played with my earrings as I frowned. Fuck man.

My chest filled with anxiety as I tried to swallow it down and the feeling of vomit.

The room was cold and lonely just how I felt. Yet somehow I still stood out.

-

I walked out the bathroom looking at the clock. I seemed to have been in there for a couple of hours and my legs definitely seemed to be red from the boiling water.

I chuckled slightly before frowning. It seemed my grandma wasnt up yet.

The windows showed it was still pretty much pitch black out with a slight tinge of blue.