Music Made Us Okay

Opposite of a Lullaby

I was worried that at school she might hide behind that wall permanently. Maybe yesterday was a one time thing and she wouldn't want to hang out with somebody like me. Who even is "somebody like me"? What am I like? Very broken? A part of me kept saying that she didn't want to deal with my shit because she already dealt with hers.

I couldn't sleep. It's dumb not being able to sleep just because of a girl but I was never good at falling asleep anyways. Going to the concert had been a big step but now that uneventful day I was hoping for was ruined by Arrie. Or made better. I don't know. My mind was racing from one thought to the next and all of a sudden I was thinking about the girl that got murdered.

Her name was Freddie and she was a 3rd grader. It was just an ordinary walk home from school, no different from all the other ones. Except she didn't make it home that time. Her older brother and mom were frantic. Her dad had always walked beside her for that one block to get home and both were gone. Police were called, relatives were called, the school was called.

Then the police called back. An eight year old girl's body was found on the side of the road. Two bullets had been fired through her brain. A third one through the dad's. Turns out that the dad killed her and then himself. The older brother always just wanted to know why, it drove him crazy. The mom got over it though, she picked up the pieces and got better. He didn't though.

I didn't get better. I still don't know why my dad had killed Freddie. I still don't really understand why I don't get to tuck my little sister into bed anymore. I really don't get why I started hurting myself. I just want to know why I can't seem to stop. I desperately wanted to go to the bathroom and feel that high. It wouldn't fix anything they tell me. It feels like it does though and that's all that matters.

But I didn't because, I promised I'd be okay. I'm a lot of things but I'm not a liar. One night without it wouldn't be that bad I had told myself. I kept repeating it like a mantra but it didn't help. It was one in the morning and I was still repeating it.

"Are we going to be okay tomorrow too?" She'd asked. I asked her if we could do it again and she'd said yes. That yes meant something to her, I could tell. Would she ever go back on that yes? What was I worrying about?

My promise to be okay was replaced by her voice saying yes over and over again. Yes. Yes. Yes. That was my new mantra. If you hear and say something enough it starts losing its meaning but, yes was already full of so much meaning that by the time I needed to go to school it still sounded the same. I didn't sleep at all.

I was reminded of a poem that somebody had written in eighth grade.

Falling asleep is always hard
because I know I won't remember
the bliss of nothingness
and I'll always have to wake up.
Those dark half circles under my eyes
are just reflections
of the crescent moon in the dark sky
that I've stayed up all night staring at.

But I didn't stay up staring at the sky. I stayed up imagining a word over and over again. She was the opposite of a lullaby, she kept you awake. She was like coffee for a sleepwalker and I don't think that's necessary a bad thing. Depression feels like never being able to wake up so maybe I needed a little caffeine.

I know depending on someone so much is not the best idea, especially if you've just gotten to know them but, I was broken and she wasn't. Leaning on solely one person was a terrible idea but I needed to give myself the benefit of the doubt more often. It was like a little kindergartener liking someone for the first time and the parents thinking it was adorable. I needed to give myself that. I was just a boy with a crush and those tend to make it hard to think straight, not that I ever did anyways.