Music Made Us Okay

And I Said Yes

"You're not Gerald."

And the smile returned, "I know I'm not. Tonight I'm going to be okay." He was okay...everyone was okay tonight even if it was just this night. "As my first act of being okay I'm going to ask you to dinner, right now. Do you want to go eat hotdogs from the cart at the corner together." This was very unGerald and I think he liked being able to be like that and I did too. "Will there be mustard?" I asked, but I knew he'd say no. I know we both hate mustard because once in 4th grade our teacher gave us hot dogs for a party and we were the only ones who didn't put mustard on ours.

"No, because you and I both know that mustard is disgusting and the nectar of demons." Looks like we both remembered correctly. Odd isn't it, the types of things that don't leave our minds? And I said yes because a big part of me wanted more to happen and for him to hold me like before on a regular basis.

We walked together practically inside each other's jackets because it was dark and winter and both of us have always been cold no matter what. Maybe we were cold all the time so we'd always need someone to keep us warm. Despite the close proximity we stayed quiet, we were introverts after all and the silence was comforting. The cart wasn't far away and after getting our food we could go inside to the cafe near by to escape the cold. As soon as we got something to eat we ran to the small coffee shop that'd been there all our lives. We found a small booth in the corner and sat there side by side.

"My whole body is currently frost bitten. Is it okay if I curl into you?" I was actually cold, but I also just wanted an excuse to be close to him again. I never realized how nice boys could smell. "Course, what am I if not a space heater?"

"A comfy pillow, now keep talking. I like how you sound," I accidently slipped out before stopping myself. Gerald laughed like he did last time but now I could feel it everywhere since I was pressed up against him. "What do you want to hear?"

"Tell me about the last book you read." And we kept going back and forth giving each other topics if we ran out of things to say. It was nice and comfy and being next to him felt like home for the longest of times. At least until the owner had to get us out for closing time. We stood there outside not sure what to do now.

My body was being held with my back to his chest tight next to him, probably because he needed the warmth just as much as me. I tilted my head up to him (Gerald was a good six inches taller than me) and saw his eyelashes casting shadows and his hair in his eyes and his cheeks red from the cold and I wanted to kiss him. He did too judging by the third unGerald like thing he did tonight. "Can I kiss you?"

I said yes and his lips moved the short distance needed to get to mine. At first both our mouths were closed and just barely brushing. Then I decided that I liked the way he talked and held me and asked me if he could kiss me so I turned so my body was facing his and I put my hands under his jacket sleeves to warm my cold hands. I put myself on my tip toes and tilted my head back and he leaned down to meet me halfway and it wasn't just brushed lips now. Gerald's mouth was hard against mine and mine was hard against his yet we were still both innocent. My mouth opened a fraction and his mirrored mine and all of a sudden we were making out in front of a coffee shop at 12:30 in the cold.

My thumbs traced the lines on the inside of his wrist and they reminded me of the ones that I had. He paused and moved his mouth away from mine away just enough to shake his head, he didn't want to remember those. "I'm okay tonight and right now those scars don't exist." For some reason at that moment my brain decided to remember that there was going to be the next day. "Are we both going to be okay tomorrow too?"

"Will we hang out and talk and laugh tomorrow?" And I said yes.

Saying yes to things is a major commitment and yet I said it three times that night. Saying yes to things have always bothered me, it's the type of thing you have to go through and finish doing because you started it, it's a contract that's one word and can be tricked out of you all too often. Yeses are given out too easily out of the social norm to be polite and has lost its meaning and that's why I've stopped using it unless I truly mean it. The fact that I haven't used that word in months and the other fact that I just said it three times in three hours scares me. The last fact that I'm not scared of anything whatsoever makes this so much worse. Maybe it was the excitement of my first real concert. Maybe it was the energy of the crowd. Maybe the music changed me.