Music Made Us Okay

A is for Arrie

Doing un-you things is a major commitment and still I did it three times that night. Not-me things have always bothered me, it's the type of thing you have to go through and finish doing because you started it, it's a contract that's one action and can be tricked out of you all too often. Un-you like things are done all the time out of the necessity to fit in and makes you lose yourself and that's why I've stopped doing it unless the un-me like thing is actually me. The fact I haven't done it in months and the other fact that I've just done it three times in the last three hours scares me. The last fact that I've stopped being scared of anything makes this so much worse. Maybe it was the excitement of my first time out since the hospital. Maybe it was the fear of being in a crowd. Maybe the music changed me.

7:00 AM - Get out of bed after not sleeping
8:00 AM - Go to school after not eating
3:30 PM - Leave school barely alive
5:00 PM - Therapist appointment
7:00 PM - Try to not not eat dinner
9:00 PM - Have a panic attack after looking at all my work
12:00 AM - Be awake
3:00 AM - Still be awake
4:00 AM - Start cutting for that endorphin rush
5:00 AM - Keep being awake
5:30 AM - Kinda fall asleep
6:00 AM - Wake up

At least that's my usual schedule. Until that concert. After being checked out of the hospital for the second time my therapist suggested going out more and making connections with humans. I told her I preferred schizophrenics to sane people but she just scribbled something on her notepad and sent me off.

But I went to that concert anyways because my mom bought the ticket already and I disappointed her enough. And Arrie was there and she fell into my arms. I knew her since kindergarten where I first learned my alphabet and she was the one to help me remember the sound A made. A is for Apple. A is for Ant. A can sound short or long. A is for Arrie.

When I saw it was her and she was pressed against my chest I remember being six and that was when I decided that I'd pretend to be okay for that night. Fake it until you make it. Holding onto her felt right. Despite my anorexia and the constant chill I felt comfortable holding onto her and tracing circles on the back of her hand. I liked trailing my hand up and down her arm as goosebumps follow it. My hand froze the first time that I felt her skin because for a second I thought they were my arms.

But they weren't because her scars were healing and there weren't new ones. She found a way to actually be okay while I was just pretending. I quickly made myself forget about that though because the song stopped and they were getting off stage and the night was almost over and I didn't want it to end. I was in a good mood. She turned around in my arms and said hi. I don't remember what I said, just that I was being funny and social. Both I was terrible at. When she introduce herself as if I was a stranger that'd never seen her, it hurt. She taught me my A's but I guess she didn't need me to learn G.

"You're not Gerald," she said and then I understood. I was doing something that I'd never do in a million years. I wasn't being introverted and keeping to myself. I was doing the opposite and enjoying the company. She was right, I wasn't Gerald because I was okay.

For some reason I asked her to dinner even though I didn't want to eat. And for some reason she said yes. Then I asked her to kiss me and she said yes to that too. Then she asked me if we were going to be okay tomorrow and I answered with if we were going to repeat that night and she said yes

Yes. She said yes to me three times...The way she said yes would make me never think of them the same way again. She was always guarded and kept to herself but that three letter, one syllable word left her wide open and vulnerable somehow. Always after she'd return to the wall she hid behind but that half second meant a lot.