Finding James

2

"What have you been thinking about?" I ask as I look into his eyes.

"Well, we have been having these so called movie nights for what a year or so now" he looks back into my eyes "and your mom still only lets you stay for Friday nights and you have to be home by noon every Saturday."

I nod and give a half smile "yeah you know my mom" I reply gently

"What will it take for your mom to let you stay until 3pm on Sunday?" he asks very softly.

My body heats up, I feel my cheeks get red and there's no hiding it. "Ummmm" I render. I start to twirl my hair nervously.

"No, Kins, its okay" he assures me calmly, "I am just asking."

"Well..." I hesitate "She wants to get to know you." At this point I'm looking anywhere but at him.

"Baby. Look at me" He says firmly. Which catches my attention as he rarely calls me this. "In my defence you have never asked me to come over." He states.

He is right. I haven't asked him to come over, mainly because I didn't think he wanted more than what we had going on. "Um" I say as I put my joint out in the ash tray. "You're right, I haven't but I honestly thought you didn't want to come to my place, I figured you were more than happy having our Friday night movie nights and then having your freedom every other day of the week"

He takes me by surprise when he leans over and locks his lips on mine kissing me hard. A few seconds of fireworks for me passes and he pulls away "Don't you know by now, that in the last year you are the only person I have been with" he assures me.

It takes me a few head shakes before I come back to reality. It sinks in that he isn't lying. Before we started this "meaningless fling" he always told me everything about his crazy erotic sex life. He hasn't mentioned another girl since his arrest. Which was just over a year ago. But no I didn't know I was the only person he had been with in the last year. I honestly just thought he quit talking about other people to protect my feelings. I look at him with my brow furrowed, not really sure what to say.

"What?" he asks with a smirk.

"Honestly" I admit " I thought you had quit telling me about your sex life because you didn't want to hurt my feelings."

I watch James chuckle to himself as he packs another bowl. "In the last four years I have told you every nitty gritty detail about my sex life, don't you think if there was something to tell, I would have told you?" He is partly asking but mainly assuring me that in over a year I have been the only one. I again watch as he lights his bowl, inhales and exhales a cloud. Followed by a few dry coughs and him reaching for his coke.

The only reason I am so taken aback by this is because the sex life James talked about and the one him and I have had, is so very different. He has told me about his past partners and how he has had them tied up, or on their knees. Basically in the sex life he has told me about he has been very clearly a dominant in a BDSM relationship and yet with me its been so different. When he is with me, he lets me take the lead, he loves me softly, gently, assuring me that if he is doing something wrong to tell him and he will make it more pleasurable for me. I know he wasn't lying about his past lovers. I know deep down James is beyond powerful and rough. I know he has tied girls up and had them do whatever he tells them to do. My only concern is why is he not able to give me that. That is the very thing I want, the very thing I need; so why is James of all people not able to give me that? I know that deep down inside him, he has the power to give me both what I want and need, so why have I not seen that side of him? Does he think I am delicate, have I not been honest about my sexual needs? What is it? Why has he not shown me that dark and beyond sexy side of him?

"I...." I stutter, still star struck. "Can you roll me another joint?" I ask diverting the conversation.

He grabs his roller and weed and rolls me another joint with mango paper and puts it in his mouth lighting it before passing it to me.

"Please, Kins." he practically begs "talk to me."

I put the joint between my lips and take a few good puffs before continuing the conversation. I again look at him, still avoiding eye contact.

"Baby, please talk to me, clearly something is wrong, you won't look into my eyes" There's that word again. Two times in under an hour. That's quite odd.

I finish more than half my joint before I finally look him in the eyes. "You talked such a strong game, you dominated the women in your past" I take a deep breath and look down to the ground. "Why am I different? Why can't you fuck me like that?" I ask looking back up at him.

This time he looks away. It's his turn for his face to turn red. "I..." he pauses "I just can't" he forces out grabbing for the remote.

"Don't you dare" I growl "You do not get to end this conversation just because you got uncomfortable James. I was honest with you now it is your turn." I watch as he stands up quickly. "Where are you going?" I ask. He walks to his mini fridge across the room, grabs a beer and walks back.

"I was getting a beer Kinsley" he says as he sits back down opening it. The way he says my name is a little harsh "If you want the truth I need this beer okay?"

"Okay" I match his attitude

I watch as he takes a swig and pulls it away from his mouth. "Do you want the truth?" He asks

I nod and look at him waiting. It takes a few more swigs of beer and a long pause before he finally opens his mouth.

"Listen." He says softly "Do not blame yourself for me not fucking you that rough, dominant way."

I raise my brow "Care to elaborate?" I sass

"I want to be rough like that with you okay." He tells me, looking straight ahead. "But fuck, I just can't with you right now..."

"What the fuck does that mean?" I ask putting out my joint.

"You were there, you saw me lose my shit, are you not scared of me?"

"No... why would I be?" I question.

"I got aggressive, I pulled her away from you, I punched that wall." he finally admits it.

I sort of wondered if that night, the night he got arrested had something to do with it. "James!" I raise my voice slightly regretting it immediately after "That night last year, you were protecting me, you saved me from whatever the hell might have happened." I reassure him.

"That does not change what happened okay?" He chugs the remainder of his beer and again reaches for the remote.

"I am not nor will I ever be scared of you." I tell him as assertively as I can.

He nods at me and presses play and I know the talking, sweet cuddly, James is gone for the night. All he wanted was more, all he wanted was to know what it would take for my mom to let me stay here for an extra night. He just wanted more than one night a week and I had to start with the fact that he didn't fuck me the way I needed. Don't get me wrong he still hit all the right spots better than any man could but I wanted more and of course I let that get in my way again. He never said anything about sex. He just wanted more time. 'For fuck-sakes Kinsley' I think to myself. 'Next time just shut your fucking mouth and let him speak his mind, quit starting these fights.'