Heartbeat ~ a tribute

4.

I was the one who found her one night, right on the verge of death, teetering on the edge of it, again. Pills are medicine, meant to heal and cure, and yet they can kill so easily. Why do pills exist, when all you can hear is about what harm they've done? The addicts. Those who gave up hope. Kat gave up hope. And so did her family. It wasn't fair, she was sick. The darkness doesn't just flee no matter how far away the monster was locked. Trauma bubbles beneath the surface, and twists around your insides until every morning feels like your just trying to make it through, just barely. You stop living. You just burn all the time, burn on the inside. Most times, people get tired of burning. Sometimes, they think the only escape from it is death. As stupid as that might sound to a healthy mind, to the damaged soul, it was a way to be free. Sometimes I wondered if I was selfish to keep her to myself. Keep her on earth, when she wanted out of the life she had. Things would get worse. Maybe I could've ended her suffering there if I didn't run and called her mom, or didn't scream out. But then I can just remember the look in her eyes. She couldn't say anything, but I knew she didn't want to die. Not then.

I don't think Kat ever wanted to die, not ever.

I wished to keep her alive for long enough for things to get better. I remember kneeling on the bathroom floor next to her, while she slowly went pale. I was helpless. I didn't know what to do, but I could hear her mom, God bless her mother, who had been sent to an institution, too grief stricken by the death of her husband to take care of her children all those years, and sent them to live with her older son, thre monster over the fence. Who couldn't get help for her daughter, too poor to do anything like that. Who skated over anything that may have happened when her children were away with the monster with a smile, because there couldn't afford anything to be wrong. Yes. God bless the woman because she was one of the most kind women in the world. She didn't do what was right for Kat yes. But she did all she could, and that day, all she could was call an ambulance and hope she wasn't too late. I hoped I wasn't too late. I was young. Too young to know anything about a pulse, too young to know to put my fingers to her neck or wrist. No, all I could do was put my hand to her chest, and feel for her heartbeat. And there it was, soft, but it was there. That was enough to give me hope, her heartbeat.

♡♡♡

"She's flatlining!" the surgeon yelled. He was right, the line on the monitor was running flat green, making that noise, that long beep. It was silent for a moment. A moment where we all just listened. And then I was falling, plunging deep. Water was in my ears, and everything was muffled. They charged up the defibrillators, and all I could hear were yells, "You've got to help her! God please help her! Kat! Goddammit please wake up!"
I didn't notice I was yelling at first.
"Young man step back please! Ready?"
I was yanked back by someone. I could hardly hear the word, "Clear!" being yelled, because of the ringing in my ears. It wouldn't stop. I could only watch as they press the paddles on top of her and he jolted with electricity.
"Clear!"
Nothing.
"Clear!"
Nothing. That was it. It went on for three more minutes. Three minutes until the subtle beep of heart activity came back, and then more beeps. All the water rushed out of my ears and I could breath again.

Because I could hear her heartbeat.

♡♡♡