Heartbeat ~ a tribute

8.

If I'm being completely honest, I wasn't going to continue this book. Not because I've moved on. I haven't. But because it was what tethered me back. I can't be stuck in a past where she's alive. I cannot live there forever no matter how dearly I wish to. I'm not even sure how I decided to write this. The distance I've tried to put between myself and my sister is one I've never thought myself capable of. However, this is her story, not my story, and I wish to write of her dreams, rather than the nightmares I've described.

When Kat was young she aspired to be a chef. And it wasn't one of those kinds of aspirations that came and went. All through our childhood, chef. Chef. Chef. It's amazing how dedicated to it she was, as I switched what I wanted to be every single week.
Now she could've died and I'd still think she wanted to be a chef if it wasn't for one night her and I were sitting around and she looked me in the eyes and said, "Nicholas, I'm going to grow up and join the FBI."

She looked really pretty that night. She was wearing a yellow sweater over her black leggings. Her hair was in some sort of bun. But it was her eyes. They looked at me with fire, with passion, something you can't just fake. It wasn't fake. It was very real.

I remember crying. Bursting into tears because all I could imagine were shot wounds. Shot wounds all over her. And I cried and cried and begged her to not. I didn't want her to get hurt. To add being shot to her long list of injuries. She wasn't crying, she was very calm. She told me a lot of things that night, but all that stuck with me was, "I want to help people. I want to put the bad guys away. They can't hurt me!"

The bad guys never even got a chance to try.

Kat was always one to help others. All the time. She couldn't have anyone else hurting. God she was so careless with her life. She'd trade her life for a complete strangers in a heartbeat. She wanted to save the world. It was Kat, she probably could save the world. I wish she could've died in peace. I wish she could've died saving somebody. It's what she would've wanted.

It's hard to not blame yourself for death. It could've easily been me in that car. But it wasn't. You just think when you fight so so hard that you'll make it out. But to fight as hard as possible, to claw and bite and punch at the hands of fate and then still lose? That's what happened to Kat. I'll never know why fate had its red eyes and stone grasp on her the entire time. She could've died so many other times. Why did her torturous existence have to go on so long? What was fates plan for her? To laugh? To play? It isn't fair. None of it is fair.

It's been a little over 3 months since she passed. It still baffles me. The world moves on. I wish it would move slower. I know this is short, and I know its horribly written but it has to be said.

I love you Kat. Really. I hope you don't have a problem with me and Aaron. May you lay in the stars. Forever and always.