My Secret Family

Ana Daze

Sophie

43 kg and falling

"I miss Debbie-Sue." I said at lunch one day, two weeks after her funeral. I had wanted to dump Ana as a friend, to cut out the drama she brought, but she had been so apologetic, so sincere about her shortcomings. She had come to my house and held my hair when I threw up, made me coffee and served me fresh slices of nectarine. Ana and I still hung out, not quite friends, not quite enemies, a cease-fire of awkward silences and avoiding the elephant in the room - me.

I just couldn't keep away from Ana's magnetic presence, no matter how much I convinced myself each time I saw her would be the last, that I would just ignore her and she would go away, but she kept sending me little photos, little glimpses of the perfect life. Little poems. Despite everything I still wanted to be like her.

When I stuck my finger down my throat for the first time she was there to talk me through it, to help me push past the wall I seemed to have about getting rid of the last few kilograms of my dead weight.

The bandage around my wrist felt tight, the skin underneath puffy and fat from the warm enclosure. Ana's bracelet now dangled loose around my arm.

"Who?" Ana picked up her glass of water and pulled up her nose at it, took a sip with a grimace.

"Debbie-Sue."

"Who is Debbie-Sue?"

"Sue. Debbie-Sue. Her name was Debbie-Sue."

"Who calls their kid Debbie-Sue? No wonder she offed herself. " Ana put down the water without taking another sip.

"You're a real cunt, Ana, you know that?"

"Hey, I'm just kidding. Relax, kid. Eat your sandwich and go throw up again." 

"I fucking hate this. " I put my head in my hands and rubbed my tired eyes. I hadn't slept in a few days, mymeds made me anxious, so if I wasn't moving around the room my brain went crazy. If Doctor D knew whatI was doing he would have such a disappointed expression on his face, so I had stopped going, lied aboutfinding someone new despite his mild protest that change wasn't good for me right now. I just couldn't lookhim in the eye with my betrayal.

My throat burned from the acid of vomiting up every meal, the bite marks on my knuckles stung where lclamped down after sticking my fingers down my throat. As if Mia was haunting me from inside.

"I'm sick of this shit, Ana! I'm sick of throwing up all the time, ,my throat hurts so bad."

"Hey!" Ana smacked me in the chest, where my breasts used to be, where now a bra would be so tight itwould cut into my skin so I wore a vest instead. I knew that her smack, gentle though it was, would leave ared bruise that would take two or three days to heal.

"Don't back down now, " Ana said, "you're almost there, don't let the weak break your stride."

"I know. I just... I want a break."

"You don't get a break, Mia. You do this until you're perfect."

"Sophie. I'm Sophie."

"What? Sophie. Whatever."

"And when will that be exactly, Ana? What is my goal weight exactly?"

"I'll tell you when you get there. You're still fat, that's why bad things keep happening to you."