these thoughts inside my head

day 3

song suggestion : "a drop in the ocean" by ron pope.

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there are many ways to view life. there are the positives, where it is really beautiful. imagine it as a field of grass. it's peaceful, the wind blowing gently in your face and you do not have a care in the world. the responsibilities of everything is temporarily forgotten because at that moment, you do not want anything to change.

then there are the negatives. imagine you are underwater. when underwater, the water may feel nice on your skin and you feel like floating but it starts getting harder to breathe. you do your best with what you have, trying to remember that the water does feel nice. the water, however, does not greet you nicely once you are under. it takes away your breath, making you feel the suffocation and bringing you back to your senses that you are drowning.

once you go up for air, you think the water feels nice again and go back under.

— is the water actually nice or are you only wanting temporary comfort

when i was a little girl, there was a nice field in my backyard in the woods. i went there often to sit and listen. if you listen closely, many things are happening. i would lie down in that nice field and sleep, for i did not know how exhausted i would become.

comfort /ˈkəmfərt/ : a state of physical or mental ease and freedom from pain or constraint.

i want comfort, do you? there are many ways to comfort someone. you can talk to them, hug them, give them a gift, grieve with them, cry with them. however, it depends on the person. right now, i want comfort from one person. this person, i would give him the moon and stars just for a slight second of comfort. would he do that for me though?

— learn to give yourself the stars, because most likely no one else will do it.

am i really looking for comfort, however? or am i in love with the idea of someone dropping everything for me, the fragile person who can't keep herself together these days.

i've noticed the physical changed in me recently. i look... sad. my face has developed eye bags, and i don't smile much anymore. my body has lost the protective weight that helped me stay warm. i feel weak a lot of days, and it is hard to eat a proper meal. what is happening to me? can't i do better than this?

i used to be so determined, oh how i wish i could go back.

regret. a lot of regrets. i wish to do better, to be better. it's a constant reminder of how despicable i really am. it's pathetic really because i have so many people believing in me yet i disappoint myself over and over and over again.

will the good days ever come back? will it stay like this forever? i hate waiting for those moments to happen. yet, i stay alive. i hate being curious of the future. if only i didn't care so much, if only i wasn't afraid of failure. if only i didn't have people i love. if only.

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don't rely on others to fill that empty void, only you can do that.