The Infinite Nothing

X : all I ever loved; buried in dirt and soil

———————

Without Ivan, existing was even more of a burden.

He caught himself walking up to the rooftop more frequently with the excuse to have another smoke he didn't actually want. He imagined to see his lurking figure out on the street while sorting out condolence cards at the funeral home, and for the shortest of moments he saw him in every smile sent his way.

Frankly, Tristan missed Ivan's naive and flat personality, and his sense for finding beauty in a world poisoned with greed and crumbling under wealth's most monstrous weight.

For the first time in what had to be years, Tristan didn't lean back and wait for things to fall into his lap. For his life was always changing so abruptly and its length was so uncertain, he decided to take matters into his own hands for once.

Ivan's neighbourhood was ordinary and safe and except for the overflowing and reeking dumpsters in one corner, clean and well-kept. Tristan figured that standing out on the street would eventually gain the attention of someone, and Ivan would follow soon enough. He had to. The tactic had worked on Tristan, and since Ivan had come up with it he imagined it would work on him, too.

Waiting for the boy with too much hope felt much like being in Rosa's flower shop. Not once had the old woman cared for Tristan's impatience as she attended to her life work; letting him in on the secrets of nurturing life and watching it die just to let the whole cycle begin again sometime later.

Tristan had never seen the point in putting so much effort and dedication into something so temporary, but he loved the tenderness with which Rosa attended to her flowers, and the sheer thought of a time that felt like it belonged to an entire different life was enough to bring Tristan on the verge of falling back into his state of contemplation.

And then Ivan appeared, and Tristan was saved.

"I came to say hi to the living."

Ivan was lacking his usual smile as he stared at the taller boy. "For what? You don't even like the living."

"But I like you," Tristan replied with a simple shrug. "Come, I want to introduce you to someone."

Ivan seemed to hesitate. Today his dark hair seemed dull since the sun wasn't out to shine on it, and his skin appeared pale and boring. Tristan just continued to give him a smile that came naturally to him at the sight of someone so familiar yet strange at the same time. They had just met, and yet Tristan had known him for a lifetime.

Then Tristan started walking, and Ivan followed.

"Who is it?" Ivan asked, hesitating once again as he realized they were nearing the town's graveyard. "I don't know if I want to meet them."

"Everyone wants to meet her," Tristan reassured. He placed a warm hand on Ivan's shoulder, and it was enough to convince the boy to keep following him.

The graveyard was a place much brighter than the dark fence and tall gate let assume. Tristan resented being here for he saw no point in staring at places he supposed the rotting bodies of those he once knew.

He had always thought he'd get jealous standing in front of Rosa's grave, for she got to experience what was still kept from him. But now that he was here, looking at the simple tombstone and her lost looking name engraved in it and the absolute lack of anything she adored decorating her final resting place, Tristan felt almost sorry for her.

When he felt Ivan's curious gaze on him, he quietly said; "Here lays everything once dear to me, and everything I'll never get back."

"Rosa Gonzales," Ivan read the name. "Who was she?"