Adoxography

a sincere lack of belief

because it's hard to believe in something else when you have been beaten face down for so long that the dirt taste natural in your mouth.

 when the words out your mouth feel like nothing but a waste of air being pushed aside to make room for words stronger, better, more important and you wonder why on earth you ever thought anybody would want your words to travel in the wind and blow their way

 when the touch of a soothing hand is a distant memory that dissolves in your mind to make room for the feeling of hesitant hands and sharp touches and open scars across your skin as if you are nothing but a box who has lost its "handle with care" label

 when the sounds of voices around you becomes the sounds of snapped out slurs and broken anger and nothing but hatehatehate like everyone around you has forgotten that your ears can hear and you heart can hurt just like theirs.

 when the faces of people around you are nothing but fake smiles and bright eyes stuck above pulled down lips and furrow some glares mocking you and acting as if you are so mindless that you cannot see the tape sticking across the mask.

 it's hard to believe in something when whatever you are trying to believe in keeps slipping out of the grasp as if it is covered to the brim with an anti-repellent that wants to cower away from you at every chance it gets

 it’s harder to believe in someone when no one in the world has given you any reason to believe in them for so long that the word belief sounds like something foreign on your tongue

 but it's the hardest to believe in yourself, when the reason you can't believe in anything or anyone is because no single thing choices to believe in you.