The Memoirs Of A Jane Doe

Jane#1: File Name: Stoic

"I want to break-up," he said as he looked down his chair. Tears were falling off of his face, and people were starting to watch.

Jerk!

It made me look like I'm the one who's breaking up with him. Which I was supposed to do since he's the one who cheated on me.

Manipulative dick beat me to it!

I bet he's smiling behind those tears. I can feel it. He was just waiting for the perfect reason for us to break-up.

I clenched my purse for a second but then relaxed immediately. I gritted my teeth, flared my nostrils, and my eye was involuntary twitching. Blood was about to rush into my face, but I willed it to stop. I stopped what I was doing and just stared at him blankly.

"Okay." I replied normally. He abruptly looked at me. Shocked that I reacted that way. But before he could respond, I decided not give him a chance and exited the restaurant.

I met the cold night breeze that welcomed me. I exhaled, and finally, I felt relieved. I could almost hear the another set of shackles dropping down from my wrists and ankles. I was finally

Well... That's done. Arghh, I need a break.

I left the street and opted to head on a place I knew where I could do just the thing.

...

I dropped my bag and tossed my very high stilettos somewhere in my apartment. I didn't waste time and immediately went out of my window.

I sat on the stairs of the fire exit and searched for my pack and lighter. I held the stick to my mouth and lighted it.

Inhale

Ahhh, the slow burn of the heat in my throat. I closed my eyes as clouds and numbs everything inside my head. The satisfaction I feel right now cannot be compared with anything. I tried to make it stay, but I don't have a choice but to let go.

"Phew," I was about to take another hit and feel another round of satisfaction, but my neighbor emerged from his window.

"Hey Jane. May I join?" I looked at him and still saw that he was still wearing his office attire same as I was. Meaning that he had just arrived.

I shrugged and let him do what he wanted. He went out of his window and leaned on the railing as he lit his cigarette.

Silence and smoke enveloped us while we savored the city sound around us. Most people might consider it as noise, but I consider it as my sound dampener.

It didn't take long until the silence became unbearable to me so I spoke.

"Bad day at work?" I asked and looked at him. I thought he didn't hear me because he was looking to his right. The sun was already gone, but orange light was still painted on the street. A little wind brushed his hair and necktie. It wasn't a good view to look at, but I can take what I can get.

"Hmm? Nah. I saw you here and I thought that you might want some company." He finally replied.

I puffed out the smoke and chuckled because it was false at the same time true.

"So what's on your mind?" He asked.

"John just broke up with me." I casually answered. It didn't really answer his question, but I knew that he'll get it.

He coughed as he choked on the smoke. It was funny but I ignored the feeling, and began to approach him, but he held out his hand, telling me that he was fine.

I didn't occur to me that this would be his reaction. It wasn't big deal to me, so why was he reacting this way?

"Are you ok?" I asked concern evident on my face.

"Am I okay? How about you?" He asked back.

"I feel... Fine, I guess." I went back and sat.  I breathed in again and then exhaled because I feel like this is going to be a very uncomfortable conversation.

"Are you sure? This is isn't another 'girls say something but means the opposite' kind of okay'. Right?" I laughed and small batches of smoke came out of my mouth.

I began to remember those funny Vines about guys portraying how girls are so offended whenever men don't notice that they're not really okay after they said that they were fine. It's true to some girls, but not for me. I always mean what I say.

"I assure you, the next time you see me, I won't be in my closet drinking rosè and cutting all the pictures of me and my ex." I joked.

He looked at me with concern in his eyes, cigarette still sandwiched between his two fingers.

I gathered all my strength and blew all the air that was inside of me.

"Since I was little - I mean a kid because I've always been little," I joked again, " I was so expressive with my emotions that I can see people getting irritated because of it. I was so worried of what people think of me until suddenly I started not showing my emotions except for happiness."

I paused for a moment to see if he was still interested, and I saw that he was still facing me, eyes unreadable. I just shrugged and since I didn't care, I continued.

"Few years after that, I realized that there was no point in showing my emotions. It sounds so childish I know, but it made sense to me until today. Sadness can only bring unwanted pity, anger could lead to nothing but consequence, and disgust/fear bring judgemental people."

"Is that the emotions from Inside Out?" He jokingly said. I glared at him, but I felt relieved that he was still listening. He apologized, and I once again continued.

"You're annoyed? People then say, 'sucked it up, and don't be sensitive'. You're embarassed? People will just make fun of you. Nothing good happens when you show these kind of emotions." I stopped and started laughing. I can see that he was starting to be concerned, but I ignored it.

I could feel that the lava was starting to rise in my very dormant volcano. I know it was about to erupt, so I stood up and leaned on the railing beside him. I inhaled the smoke in my cigarette and gathered again my strength.

"And you know the best part, I thought to myself that jealousy, jealousy could only bring conflict, so whenever I see all my boyfriend with another girl/guy, I just shut up and not react to it. I thought that they like it. But I WAS WRONG," blood started to rush me that I really need to take a few second to compose myself, "I thought you boys would like it. I thought that they like that I don't jealous. I thought that they like girls who trusts them but no no no no. I. Still. Get. Dumped!" I threw my cigarette butt on the floor and stomped on it hard.

Silence once again surrounded us until he smashed his stick on the railing. He was clearly trying to choose the right words to tell me, and I was pleased that he want me to feel better... But I don't expect him to anything.

"Hey, it was good that you listened. It already made me feel lighter and better, so thanks!" I was about to go back inside my apartment, but he stopped me by grabbing my wrist."

He hesitated, but he finally said what was on his mind.

"You're welcome. I'm glad I could help. Goodbye, Jane." He smiled and also went back to his apartment.

"Bye John...." I said even though I knew he wouldn't hear me.

After that, for the first time ever, I felt the disappointment.

"Not showing emotions doesn't mean you don't feel them. If you keep hiding what you feel, then it'll just stay there inside of you. Like a shaken unopened soda."

"Don't expect someone will be there to really say what you really want to hear because sometimes... It doesn't happen. The guaranteed person that can say things that will make you feel better is yourself."

"Stoic-a person who can endure pain or hardship without showing their feelings or complaining. And also the father of hiccup."
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*A/N: Hey guys, Half_f8 here. So uhmm, by now you realized that jane actually shows her emotions every now and then throughout the story, and all I want to tell you is you're smart. That's not a writing mistake.

And DONT SMOKE
I BEG YOU HUHUHUHUHUHUHU