Joseph and the Magical Moose

Part 14: Cosmetic Surgery

Now everything had settled down at school I felt a lot happier. I tried not to take things for granted and appreciate what I had, Mum, Dad, Mitchell, Doug, Psycho Bird and, of course, Moosey. Who could forget about Moosey?

Now, Moosey hadn't played a trick on anyone since the famous Billy Bashley tutu incident. He'd kept his word...well, at least until the next time.

The next time came in November. Moosey was getting anxious and impatient for the cricket season to start. He still wasn't allowed to play cricket in the backyard until the season officially began, and that would be the start of the first Test between Australia and South Africa. The anticipation was too much for Moosey. He needed to vent his frustrations, and there was no target better than the person who dished out the punishment in the first place, dear old Dad.

One fine Saturday afternoon Dad was relaxing in the sun in his hammock in the backyard. Dad loved to relax in his hammock. It was tied either end to two shady eucalyptus trees. He would often read the paper or just have a contented snooze while the wind rustled through the leaves of the trees. This particular day, Dad chose the snoozing option. Moosey, as you know, was growing ever

more impatient for the impending cricket season and was looking for something to ease the tension and boredom. He was in the kitchen with me eating some peeled grapes when he noticed through the window that Dad was fast asleep in his hammock. Moosey's eyes sparkled and he couldn't help himself.

With a twirl of an antler A smack of a lip
I can make you behave Like a first-class twit.

Dad woke up with a start, hopped off the hammock and stood bolt upright. He stayed like that for a moment and I thought, with a sense of optimism, that no more was going to happen. Oh...how I was wrong. Moosey had saved his best for last.

After that fleeting moment when Dad stood bolt upright, he took off his shoes, then his socks, then his shirt, pants and underwear, until he was stark naked. Dad then scaled the two-metre high back fence and ran full speed towards the local lawn bowls club, where it just happened to be Ladies' Day. I followed, while Moosey stayed chuckling in the kitchen.

I had never heard screams so loud and fearful before and hope never to again. The poor elderly ladies were petrified with fright as Dad skipped around the greens shouting repetitively, "I am beautiful, no matter what they say."

After about five minutes, but for what seemed like an eternity, the spell wore off. Dad was left standing in the middle of the green, naked and with forty to fifty old ladies staring, flabbergasted, at what they were witnessing.

Dad went red in the face, put his hands in front of his privates and ran at double speed towards home with his shiny white bottom gleaming in the sun. I followed slowly, trying not to make eye contact with anyone on the way.

Angry is not a strong enough word to describe Dad's mood for the rest of the day. Moosey, very wisely, kept his distance from Dad. Dad, afraid that he might do something he would later regret, also avoided Moosey. It wasn't until early that evening that Dad called

Moosey into the dining room for a serious talk. Dad had calmed down considerably by this time but unlike Mum and I, he still failed to see the funny side of the embarrassing incident.

It was a long speech. It was a speech about respect; a speech about dignity; a speech about sunburn and bottoms and a speech about pacemakers. Most of all, it was a speech about cosmetic surgery.

The only way Dad saw to prevent Moosey from casting his spells was to perform some home remedy cosmetic surgery and have his lips removed. After all, with no lips to smack, Moosey's magic would be made redundant. The more Dad spoke about cosmetic surgery, the keener he was for it to happen. Dad was also quite keen to perform this delicate operation himself with a cutthroat razor and a sewing kit.

Mum saw things differently and suggested that any operation might ruin the Scotchguarded carpet. She also mentioned that it could be quite a painful procedure for Moosey, especially if Doctor Dad performed it. Dad reluctantly agreed. However, Moosey was punished. He had to miss watching the first Test between Australia and South Africa. It was a great game. Australia won by 2 runs.

The fact that Australia won and it was such an exciting game made the punishment even more severe. Moosey did agree that it was still better than having his lips removed.

Apparently the local lawn bowls club, after the initial shock, saw the funny side of Dad's nude escapade. They had a statue made. It was a statue of a naked man playing lawn bowls. The statue faced east, so its bottom could gleam in the sun during the late afternoon.