The Loner

Going Back to the Wilderness

Apparently the cabin I had before hadn't had much activity since the last time I had left it, so the owner was more than happy to know that I would come back to for week to stay. When I finally had all my stuff unpack I sat on the couch and notice something that was stuck in the cabinet beside the tv. It was a sticky note saying

Go Fuck Yourself

I knew right then that Riley had been by here before. Riley...Everything in me wanted to go straight to her house and beg for her forgiveness. I had missed her like crazy. The pride in me knew better, and that sticky note showed me where her feelings stood. I turned on the tv knowing that I didn't want to watch it and just sat there. The room was quiet with the memories of her spilling popcorn in my lap and throwing it at me, to the random kisses on my cheek that she displayed. Despite showing and baring her fangs, she was the sweetest woman I had ever known. What could've happened to her to make her so angry and hurt?

I am not ignorant to the fact that a lot of my same male counterparts have shown the most bizarre and dickish ways to handle women, but then again I just did the most dickish thing to her. She was vulnerable in front of me and I left her. Fuck! I needed alcohol, hopefully there's still some in the fridge.

As I was digging in the fridge and saw a few beers in the bottom of one of the drawers I heard

"GET OUT! FUCKING STAY OUT!"

"YOU CAN'T STAY IN HERE FOREVER!"

"FUCKING WATCH ME!" then a slam.

Despite of my good sense to stay out of things I couldn't help but wonder what had happened.

Whoever the person was that was just arguing with Riley just left in a blue Mercedes and sped off. Without realizing it I my legs had carried me over to her front door. I had no idea what the fuck I was gonna say or if she was just gonna shoot me, but I couldn't help myself. I knocked on the door.

"OLD WOMAN I WILL CALL THE FUCKING POLICE ON YOU! I SAID LEAVE ME THE FUCK.... -"

"Riley..." Is all I could say.

"YOU! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?! GET OFF MY PROPERTY MILLER!"

Then I also realized she had a shot gun in hand.

"I will shoot you Miller"

Any sensible guy would just leave while they still could, but I for some unexplained reason I wasn't scared. Maybe it was because I was the one that had done this, I broke us up. Left without any reason why.

She stood her ground, stood up straight held the gun directly at my chest, cocked it, and put a threatening finger on the trigger. I raised my hands in surrender.

"What... the fuck...are you doing here? It's been 4 fucking months, I don't hear from you, no text no call, not even a fucking note when you left me in my bed alone and GOD DAMMIT MILLER I WILL PULL THIS TRIGGER!" She yelled with a tears running down her cheeks and her hands trembling.

I said very slowly "I know...there is no excuse for what I did. I don't deserve any forgiveness."

"Then what the Fuck are you doing here? Why be at my door now after all time. You suddenly have a fucking epiphany of what you left behind up in these mountains?" She turned to the gun and aimed right at my face.

"I should shoot you right in your god damn chest right now, breaking open your heart just as you did mine. You slimy snake fucker, you coward!"

"I'm sorry Riley."

The gun went back to my face.

"Why! Why the fuck did you do this to me?!"

There was no running anymore. If she did pull the trigger part of me knew that would be justified in a crazy way. I wasn't scared of death, and since I've written and seen so many stories and articles about it at least this one would be justified. With my hands still in the air I said

"I was scared of what was happening. I know that I had to leave soon anyhow and I had fallen for you. I've missed you this entire time, but I refused to let myself contact you cause I had already done the damage when I left in the first place."

Riley had had a rough exterior, but I saw the crumble of the wall in her eyes. She finally put down the gun, and put the safety back on.

With tears streaming down her face she said

"What are you doing here now?"

I wanted to hold her and let her cry, ironically like I did the last time, but I didn't want to remind her again of what had happened when I left so instead I said

"The way I left you...it was incredibly selfish and stupid on my part."

"Yea but that still doesn't answer why now. What possessed you after four months of no contact to finally come see me?" The tears have stopped and an underlining of anger came back.

I have two choices here, I could lie and say it was out of pure will or I could tell the truth that my boss suggested I go back to where I visited and figure out is causing me to lose my focus. Both decisions could get her to shoot me where I stand either way or worse...shoot my dick off.

"My boss noticed that I wasn't focused at my job, my managing skills were shitty and my articles weren't up to par, so he told me to go back to where I was during my vacation and figure out how to get back to the way I was before." The truth is my only way to feel better if this goes worse for me.

I expected her to raise the gun again, but this time she didn't. She gave me the most penetrating intense stare that I had ever witnessed. Any longer I felt I might disintegrate or become hypnotized. I think I became the latter as she told me

"Come in Miller."