Twin Flames (Riven x OC)

Alex

*Just a quick note, past self harm warning is now self harm warning*

For a second I thought he'd find out. When he'd grabbed my arm I thought it would hurt enough for me to flinch and he'd know that I was in pain. But I hid it so well that he hadn't seemed to notice. Unless he denied it.

I'd never meant for it to happen. It was only occasional, but it became repetitive enough now that I knew I'd only get more addicted. Who knew biting into my own skin would cause such a temporary sense of relief?

It started that night where he saw right through me. Then a few days later I felt an urge to do it again. It was such a powerful feeling that my body told me I had to. As if my whole being and my whole self would burst if I didn't. And then it became even more common. First it was five days apart, then it slipped down to four and before I knew it had happened, it slipped to every other day.

I felt more than a little ridiculous sinking my teeth into my flesh, but it worked. A calm washed over me similarly to when I'd been cutting in the past. I figured it worked much in the same way. Exactly the same way, actually.

The day Riven had come to collect me for a sixth attempt (yes, like a lunatic I kept count), was the day it had been different. I hadn't seen him in a little over two weeks, doing my very best and recruiting all the girls to hide me every time he was near. The one good thing about feeling his presence was knowing when he was close enough that I needed to go the other way.

It wasn't so much that I didn't want to see him. It was more a way for me to avoid what might happen if I did.

I'd freaked out just about an hour earlier. Something had gone wrong and I bit my skin hard, though suddenly the marks from my teeth weren't the only thing causing me pain. I felt scratching on my forearm, far off from where blood now surfaced on my skin, and it was painful and hot and so very confusing because I saw nothing there.

I didn't understand it. But one of my first thoughts was to wonder if maybe Riven was hurt and in pain too.

I'd wrapped myself up in bandages again before curling up in a hoodie that always brought me such warmth. It was too big now, not that it hadn't already been oversized when I'd got it, but it felt like a warm blanket that felt incredibly soothing around me.

Since I'd last seen Riven before that, I'd maybe lost seven more pounds. And it felt like a failure. Only seven, when in that same amount of time previously I'd doubled that. What was wrong with me?

To be fair, Stella was in my room quite a lot these days, and she always brought food. She also always ensured it was something I really liked. It was frustrating, because as much as I wanted to say no to pom-bears or even a snickers bar, I couldn't. Besides, I didn't want to let her down. I saw how she looked at me. How they all looked at me.

My attempts at hiding it were slipping through the cracks and each of my friends had a separate tactic on handling it. Musa was the only one who didn't push me too much. Maybe because she felt exactly how I did when she stopped listening to music and sat in my room with me on the rare occasion. Seeing how hurt her face got made me wonder how bad it could really be.

I knew it wasn't great, but I also refused to admit it to myself that I was completely falling apart. If I did say it, if I ever well and truly looked at any of them and told them how not okay I felt, the truth would make it even worse. It's like admitting it made it genuinely real, and as long as I didn't say it, I could hide behind it all and simply say I was having an off day.

More like a whole month of feeling completely off.

Regardless, the sixth and final time Riven showed up and actually knocked at my door, I hadn't intended to ever open it. And I definitely hadn't thought to go outside with him.