Clearing

Chapter 6

nsfw warning

also I want to say thank you so much for 70 reads! I know it isn't much but i'm so grateful for all of you :))

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I lay in my bed, my head spinning with scenarios and words and memories. Mikasa had fallen asleep hours ago, her head resting gently on her pillow and her mouth slightly open as she slept.

I, on the other hand, had been tossing and turning from the moment I blew out my candle, trying to get rid of the thoughts that plagued my head. I never knew my mind could be this filthy before, but damn, there were some interesting things going on in there.

The first time I had seen Jean -my first day in the Scout Regiment, almost four years ago now- I had got flustered and barely been able to form a sentence. Since then I had heard of the things he had done whilst in the cadet corps and the way he had treated Eren, and stubbornly decided that I would have no business with him.

Anyway, the voice in my head said for the hundredth time, he doesn't seem interested in you at all, except for when he attempts to embarrass you or piss you off.

I had repeated those words every time I felt anything towards him, and any feelings of attraction I harbored for him had disappeared shortly after.

So why, years after I said I was done with him, was I struggling to get him out of my head?

When the moment Jean and I had shared in the infirmary popped up in my head for what seemed like the hundredth time, I groaned and threw myself upright, flinging my legs over the side of my bed and resting my head in my hands. It was Sunday tomorrow, our day off, so I decided that there was no real reason for me to sleep.

I stood up, brushing down my clothes. I slept in a large button-up shirt and my black underwear, and I considered changing out of them into something more appropriate, but decided I simply didn't have the effort. It was a warm summer night, so I wasn't going to get cold, and I was certain everyone else would be asleep by now anyway.

As quietly as I could, I pulled on a pair of socks and slipped into my shoes, tiptoeing out of the room and closing the door behind me. I didn't exactly know where I was planning on going, but I thought that a walk outside would help to clear my head.

My head hurt with the effort of keeping my footsteps quiet as I snuck through the silent hallways, trying as hard as I could not to wake anyone. Luckily, my room was only on the second floor, and it didn't take long until I was out of one of the old servant doors around the back of the castle. I headed towards the forest, a place coming to my mind.

After my first mission beyond the walls, I'd had a lot of nightmares, and hadn't ended up sleeping much in a futile effort to avoid them. That was years ago now, but I still remembered the spot I had found whilst trying to escape from my own head: a small river with a grassy bank, with large trees guarding the edge but not covering the top, so it was still lit by the moonlight.

It had been so long since I had been there, and I was almost excited to visit again. I decided against using a lantern; there wasn't a cloud in the sky, and the full moon painted everything with a wash of silver. I could see clearly, and if I had brought a lantern, it would have just drawn unwanted attention to me.

I hurried along the overgrown paths I remembered like the back of my hand, heart beating quickly in my chest. I hoped it was the same as it had been before. I turned the last corner, bursting through a crack in the trees and sighing as I gazed at it again.

It was just as beautiful as I remembered, the trickling water making gentle music against the quiet of the night. The moonlight drifted down to settle on everything like a shimmering cloak, dancing between the blades of grass and reflecting across the rippling surface of the water in a delicate waltz.  Purple flowers were scattered around the edge of the bank in small clusters, and I vaguely recognized them as a type of iris.