Clearing

Chapter 11

The week had flown by ridiculously fast. Eren had been absent for most of it, away with Hange and their experiments. He would only appear  at breakfast and dinner, always looking exhausted and eating as quickly as he could before heading up to the room he shared with Armin and falling asleep.

Mikasa seemed uncomfortable without his presence, and I tried to comfort her, but I couldn't really fit into the place of the boy she had loved for years.

The training had been particularly harsh this week, so I had slept for every spare hour we had, meaning that I'd had no time to myself at all. Today, however, was Sunday, so none of us had anything to do for the whole 24 hours. Most of the scouts -including me- slept well into the day, and I spent the afternoon with Armin in the library.

The library was one of my favorite places in the castle. It had high, arched ceilings, tall windows along the sides displaying views of the grounds, and row upon row of leather-bound books. Plus, it was normally almost empty besides one or two other scouts.

Sometimes Marco would come and join us whilst we read, but today he had been so exhausted that he had opted to stay in his room instead.

We read for hours, sat next to each other on the floor. Armin scoured the shelves for information about four-leafed clovers, and I read a fiction book I had picked up a while ago but forgotten to finish. We only breached the quiet every once in a while, when Armin would tap my knee and whisper a fact that he found particularly interesting.

I enjoyed the moments of peace Armin gave me amongst all the chaos.

The two of us read together in the corner until the light outside the large windows started to fade, and the bell sounded for dinner.

I noticed once we sat down that Eren and Mikasa hadn't shown up, and Armin told me that Eren had been at the infirmary; one of the experiments had backfired slightly. By slightly, I mean he had somehow managed to get his leg blown off, but it wasn't too severe. He was only in the infirmary whilst he waited to grow it back. Mikasa, of course, had stayed in his hospital room all day.

Without Mikasa opposite me, I couldn't stop my eyes from slipping over to Jean whilst I ate. It hadn't been too long since our interaction in the woods, but he had plagued my mind every time I had paused to think.

He didn't look up at me once, and I felt my stomach sink slightly.

Once the meal had ended, I headed to the infirmary to check on Mikasa. She sat in a chair next to Eren's hospital bed, her head tilted backwards against the pillow she had stuffed behind her neck, her eyes closed as she slept.

I looked over to Eren, opening my mouth to ask how he was, but he silenced me with a look, resting his hand on Mikasa's knee and pressing a finger against his lips to tell me not to wake her.

I gave him a thumbs up and reversed out of the room. The two of them clearly liked each other, and it was honestly infuriating that neither of them would do anything about it. I shuffled back to my room, aware that Mikasa wouldn't be coming back to our room when she could be next to Eren instead.

My head flooded with ideas as I pushed the door closed behind me. I couldn't remember how long it had been since I'd last had a decent amount of time to myself, and I sure as hell wasn't going to waste this rare opportunity. I clicked the lock shut and lay on my bed, staring up at the ceiling, contemplating my options. I double-checked the lock before changing into my nightclothes and slipping under the covers, wrapping myself up in blankets and pulling another unfinished book off my bedside table.

It was the summer, but the wooden floors made it strangely cold indoors. I didn't mind though, it just gave me an excuse to curl up in bed and read. I snuggled down under the covers, but only managed to focus on the page for about five minutes until my mind slipped back to thoughts of Jean.

I audibly groaned, pulling my pillow out from under my head and shoving it over my face to try and block the images out. It didn't work.

The sounds and faces he had made in the clearing replayed over and over, the feel of his hands touching my skin, and I couldn't help but think of what it would be like if he just...

Go away! I yelled in my head. Someone is going to read your mind and think you're a pervert. Stop it. Stop it.

This week had been horrible; I had wanted him the whole time, and desperately wanted to reach out to Jean, but I had been too damn tired and scared to do anything about it.

That's it. I thought to myself. You're done with that now. Read.

I sighed, pulling the book open again and forcing my eyes to scour the letters.

This time it wasn't even two minutes before I got distracted again.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

I flipped onto my front, discarding the book onto my bedside table. I lay face-down on my bed, my arms and legs splayed out on either side of me. Now the fact that I was alone seemed like more of a curse than a blessing. If I was with others, I would have been able to get these thoughts out of my head.

Well, maybe not out of it, but at least to a part of my mind that wasn't so all-consuming.

I sighed and extinguished the main lights before pulling the bedsheets up to my face.

I thought that if I slept, I would at least be able to escape them for a while, but it seemed that sleeping was easier said than done. Every time his face appeared in my mind I wanted him even more.

Finally, I gave in to the thoughts in my head, sliding my hand down my front and brushing it along the band of my underwear. I tugged it down and started to slowly move my fingers against myself, my eyes slipping closed.

I pulled my pillow up slightly to press my face into it, muffling the sounds I was making as I sped up my hand. I imagined that it wasn't my hand moving, not me touching myself, but him.

Just as I felt pressure start to build in my stomach, I heard a knock at my door.

I jumped, grateful that I had at least remembered to lock it.

"Oh, fuck this." I muttered to myself, pulling my hand away and tugging my underwear back on. "I cannot catch a break."

I moved to the washbasin in the corner and quickly cleaned my hands, drying them off on the t-shirt that Mikasa and I used as a towel. We did have a towel once, but we had lost it, and we were both far too scared to ask Levi for another.

I unlocked the door and flung it open, but all the irritation on my face disappeared as I took in the person in the hall.

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sorry for the cliffhanger bbs
I hope you enjoyed this update thingy! I promise things will get more interesting next time ;)

also i am planning on starting another aot fic so if you have any characters you'd like then please suggest them because I am incredibly indecisive

bye bye!