When you feel like the sun is burning your skin it means you are exposed, it could be a new situation to face, or maybe you should just jump in the pool and get wet for a bit.
I chose to jump in the pool, after all there was nothing much to do on Sunday at Villa Krol and for the first time I decided to spend some hours alone in the huge pool that only brought me back memories.
I didn't know why I was there, staring at the Jacuzzi and remembering what happened with Benji, our first kiss, maybe the only one; I moved my eyes to the other way when I heard someone walking outside and coming closer to join me in the water. The pool was so big that we could have been together but at the same time alone, if I stayed far away from the Jacuzzi side, I wouldn't have heard what Benji was talking about.
He jumped in the pool, swimming towards me, I should have walked away but somehow I didn't want to. Inside of me I was still hoping he was there to apologize, even if I knew he was only about to hurt me more. He stopped, standing in front of me and pulled back his dark wet hair, he still looked beautiful to me. As beautiful as the devil would look like, even if he looked at me as if he was sorry for what he told me the day before, he stayed silent.
"What? What else do you want to insult me for?" - "I'm sorry Jorge" - "Yeah, sure" - "I didn't mean to insult you for being gay, I realized just later that it was too much. I'm sorry." - he looked at me with his dark eyes, he was honest, as far as I could tell.
He stepped closer but I couldn't handle being so close to him, so I turned my back and let my body fell underwater for some seconds, coming back up and pulling back my wet hair. I could feel his eyes stuck on me, I could feel all the weight of his judgment on my shoulders, it was hard to breathe.
"Look... We're stuck in the same family, can we start again?" - " I'm tired of that! The first time you judged me because I looked like someone who would sleep in a backseat, then you told me I was a maniac and now?! What do you want from me?!" - I always hated myself for being so sensitive and emotional as I was still there holding my tears to just show off how much he hurt me, to made him understand my pain was real hoping somehow that he would do something - "I want to not hear my father yelling at me because of you!!" - he said out loud, looking at me as if he tried to a shut me up, but it didn't work - "Then you should just pretend that I don't exist!! Because that's what I'm gonna do from now on!" - "Hah! With Diego?!?" - "At least I can afford someone like him".
He wasn't expecting this answer, he probably thought I forgot about our fight but what he didn't know is that all his words were scars of my heart, and all of them hurt more and more.
It was such a bad thing to say that I could afford someone, I never meant to use Diego as an excuse to make Benji jealous, but I think he didn't react good to that sentence. He walked close to me without saying a word, swimming to the Jacuzzi to just sit inside of it in silence, enjoying the loneliness.
I was so nervous I couldn't stand to just stay there looking at him being disappointed on me, so I walked out the pool and I went back to my bedroom to take a shower and change my clothes.
As always, shower helped me to think about 100 more replies I could have given to him. Something like "Are you jealous?" or even better "How do you care? You have a girlfriend after all". I thought I was using Diego to have my revenge, but I wasn't that kind of person, and I had no reason to ask for revenge because after all me and Benji were never what I thought we were.
He probably kissed me just to make me happy, to give me what I wanted, not because he felt something for me.
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Finally the time I was waiting for arrived! I knew it was Sunday and most of the staff had the free day, but Diego promised to teach me how to ride Cécil, and he was coming to the Villa on his free day just for me and this made me excited. I dressed up and run downstairs I was so happy that I couldn't help it but smiling and jumping around the house until I reached the entrance door.
"You look happy, Sir!" - Sir Thomas smiled at me as he understood how obvious he sounded - "I'm waiting for a friend!" I said walking closer to him, who silent, pointed his finger to the huge glass door that used to open on the garden, Diego was already waiting in the stables and as I understood the hidden message of Sir Thomas, I run out and reached him.
"Hey!!" - I smiled to the tall boy who turned his back towards me, while he was wearing his boots - "Good afternoon Sir! Are you ready?" - he said, looking back at me and I nodded taking my helmet and my boots.
First lesson: you can't ride a horse wearing sneakers, I had to wear some boots that were made just to ride horses, it was very tight but it fitted me so good that I didn't pay attention to how terrible my hair looked under the helmet.
"You know.. You're not working today so you can call me Jorge" - I said trying to look friendly, I really needed someone to talk to that wasn't my mother - "And how do you want me to call you tomorrow? Baby?" he said laughing a bit, looking at my eyes.
I turned up my eyes to him and we both started laughing as if it was a funny joke, even if it sounded like something more to me but I didn't want to come to conclusion before the time. I was still hurting because of Benji, I didn't want to misunderstand his kindness for something else.
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Diego didn't want me to ride Cécil as first thing, so he taught me how to have her trust, after a long day of walking next to my beautiful horse, and run close to her and call her so that she could recognize my voice as her owner's voice, the horseman walked close to me, standing behind my back - "I think you're ready, but it's late and I have to go" - "What? But you promised! I can't ride her alone" - "I guess you have to wait until tomorrow"
He smiled at me, his look was sincere and I gave up. I took off my helmet and I was disappointed, I really wanted to learn how to ride my new friend, but I understood that maybe i'd be able to do it the next day. "So.. We're gonna try tomorrow?" - "If you want me here.." - he smiled again, I looked up at him losing my words in his eyes, he looked so pretty and worried at the same time. "Of course I want you here" I said as if I was trying to comfort him.
He turned his back without saying goodbye, I thought he was just leaving but all of sudden he changed his mind and looked back at me. "I saw you were talking to Benji before" - "Uh?" I surprised myself hearing that from him, his voice sounded unhappy and worried, he looked at me as if he was looking for another kind of answer but I wasn't expecting him to react like he was jealous of Benji.
"I was already here. What did he want from you?" - "He only wanted to apologize? But... It's ok, I have nothing to do with him" - "Ad why are you lying to me" - he said walking closer to me, looking right into my eyes he could see I was panicking - "Why do you care?" - I whispered, as if I didn't want to hear the answer, I kinda felt why he was asking so many questions, but I was scared. "You know why. He doesn't deserve all your struggling. And you know you could be happier with someone else" - "Someone like you?" - I looked up at him, I didn't notice he was so close to my face until I turned towards him and my nose touched his.
My heart stopped for a second, I couldn't handle to stop looking at his lips, he smiled a bit and whispered something that made me tremble "Would you be mad.. If I'd kiss you now?".
