OVERCOME // B.E

t h i r t y - t h r e e

b i l l i e

i let out a small sigh as i looked down at my notebook, trying to come up with more lyrics.

"i'm in their secondhand smoke, still just drinking canned coke. i don't need a xanny to feel better."

"it makes me feel better" is what jessie had said whenever i had asked why she smoked. i hate that. why should you rely on a substance to make you feel better?

i thought back to over a year ago, whenever i was taking care of jessie when she was sick. she had asked for her novo like she was going to die if she didn't use it soon.

make the same mistakes, blame circumstance.

i wrote the lyric down, though in a separate verse. 

i tried to think of more lyrics, but couldn't, so i called finny over.

"what's up?" he asked.

i handed him my notebook, and he took it. i watched as he read over the lyrics that i had so far.

two weeks ago, i told jessie that we needed a break. after i had ended the call, i cried a lot, so they ended up canceling the interview i was supposed to go to.

the desperation in her voice as she begged me not to go through with the break hurt. i hate having to listen to her cry, especially when i know that i'm the cause of her crying. but she needs this. this break is gonna make her stop relying on me and on drugs.

or at least, i hope so.

the thought that she's not even trying to get better lingers at the back of my mind all day. it's kept me up at night for the past two weeks. for all i know, she could be high off her ass right now.

i don't wanna loose her.

the thought of loosing her makes me wanna call her up and take back what i said; to stop the break. nothing would have to change.

but i know that i shouldn't. she needs this.

i miss her more than i can put into words though. i've known jessie for a year and seven months; this is the longest we've ever gone without talking to each other. the most before this was six days, and that was a year ago; whenever i found out that she had smoked cigarettes.

what a similar situation.

"it's good," finny said, snapping me out of my thoughts. "it's about jj though, isn't it?"

"yeah." i mumbled.

as are most of the songs i've wrote since i've met her; i couldn't even begin to count all of the songs i've written about her.

"i'm sure she's trying to get better." he assured.

"but what if she's not?" i asked quietly, looking down at my lap. "for all i know, she could be high as fucking kite right now."

"you've just gotta hope that she is," he sighed. "that she's going to try and get better for you."

"i don't want her to get better for me though. i want her to get better for herself. if she does it for me, then that obviously means that she's still dependent on me, which is one of the reasons for the break!"

"right," he mumbled. "i wish i could help, but there's really nothing that i can do. you just gotta trust the process."

"yeah. i know." i sighed.

i leaned back across the couch i was sitting on, slouching. i raised a brow at him. "could you help me with the song? i'm having trouble with the lyrics."

"of course." he nodded.

<~~~~~>

i looked across the crowd. performing is something that i don't think i'll ever get used to. it's just such a surreal experience.

"i want to play a song for you guys that i wrote about someone who's, uh, very special and important to me. i honestly can't even put into words what she means to me," i said into the mic, getting a little nervous. "i've never played this song live before though, so, um, be patient with me." i let out a small laugh.

i looked back to finneas, who nodded at me. i took a small breath before he started to play the chords.

"it's not true. tell me i've been lied to. crying isn't like you."

within the time that i've known jessie, i've heard her cry maybe a total of ten times. it's not like her to cry, and it breaks my heart every time i hear her cry.

i watched the crowd; the people in it were almost completely silent. they were intent on listening to the song, and they had awestruck looks on their faces.

i continued singing, getting to the end of the song.

"we fall apart as it gets dark, i'm in your arms in central park—" i stopped as i got choked up, placing my hand that wasn't holding the mic over my face.

a year and a half ago, i was scared to fall in love. i was scared of the concept. but the more and more i hung out with jj, the harder i fell for her. by december, i had fallen in love with her, though i tried to convince myself otherwise until admitting it to myself and jessie during spring break last year.

the thought of love was scary; it still is. i'm giving jessie the opportunity to break my heart and just hoping that she doesn't take it.

i was also scared because of my past relationships; i had convinced myself that i had fallen in love with the people i was dating. but now that i look back on it, what i felt for them doesn't even begin to compare to what i feel for jessie.

i love jessie. even if i didn't want to at first. i love her and everything that comes with dating her.

i finished singing the song, looking down at the ground as everybody cheered. finneas had walked over to me, pulling me into his side. i laid my head on his chest for a moment, before bringing the mic up to my mouth.

"thank you." i murmured softly, which caused the crowd to cheer even more.

<~~~~~>

"madre," i called out as i walked over to her. "could you braid my hair for the meet and greet?"

she nodded, telling me to sit on the floor in front of the couch so that she could. i walked over, while she grabbed a brush and rubber bands from her bag.

she sat on the couch behind me, brushing through my hair. "how are you feeling, billie?"

"sad." i answered truthfully.

"do you wanna talk about it?" she questioned as she parted my hair.

"not really." i mumbled, picking at my nails.

"that's fine. just know that i'm here for you when or if you do want to talk about it." she told me.

"i know, momma."

i pulled my phone out of my pocket, turning it on. i looked at my lockscreen. it was a live photo of me and jj, the sides of our faces smushed together. our tongues were sticking out and the tips of them were touching. i held it down, watching as jj burst into laughter before turning to kiss me on the cheek.

i really hope she's trying to get better.

<~~~~~>

a/n listening to sign of the times and fine line by harry while writing this was not a smart idea

thoughts?

how are y'all doing?

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