Defenceless

10. Do What You Have To Do

//Trigger Warning: eating disorders//

You are enough, a thousand times enough.

Rose

Upon arriving at the cabin, I told my mother i was tired of wandering the ship and she let me order a pizza. Usually the speciality restaurants don't have room service, but it was one of the perks of traveling first class. While i waited for the food, i grabbed a can of coke from the mini bar and collapsed on the couch. The cold liquid tasted so good after a day of walking around; my feet hurt so put them up on the couch as well, after all, if my mother isn't here i don't have to act proper. I scanned through the tv channels and ended up watching Grey's Anatomy, the pizza arrived not long after and it took me less than thirty minutes to finish it all.

I almost fell asleep with the TV on when my phone woke me up from the constant buzzing. It looks like the signal is back, I thought. The connection lasted for about three minutes before going out again. I knew i shouldn't have looked at the notifications, but i wanted to make time just in case it came back.

'Are you pregnant????'
'OMG Cal and Rose are having a baby'
'Stick to your diet'
'All i can look is her belly lmao'

I knew i shouldn't have looked, but... was i bigger? Why didn't they comment this in other photos? What's wrong with the picture? I noticed there was indeed some belly showing but... was it that big? I haven't really noticed it before. What if brands don't want to work with me anymore because of the hate comments? I have no signal in the middle of the ocean and every minute that passes those comments increase. I felt powerless, i couldn't do anything to stop them, the only thing I could do was control what went inside my body. I remember Cal told me about a photoshoot in New York. I can't possibly look like this. I thought. I had three more days to lose weight, so I went in the bathroom and did what I had to do.

The next morning i decided to go to the gym, good thing i had packed gym clothes... although i could buy them on any store from the cruise, but still. I grabbed my card and bottle and walked to the front of the ship in Deck 6.

After two hours of cardio i headed back to the suit. I remember reading somewhere online than the first hour before you work out your body is still burning calories, so you could practically eat whatever you wanted and your body would burn it. With that in mind, i went to the breakfast bar and finished two plates of food along with a milkshake. I ended up arriving to the cabin at midday.

"Good morning sweet pea, I see you were busy all morning"

"Hi Cal, yeah i went to the gym and had breakfast already... you didn't wait for me, did you?"

"No, i figured you wouldn't be hungry after all you ate last night..."

"Right..."

"But good thing you ate before working out, when you exercise on an empty stomach you teach your body to store more fat than usual so it can burn it" What? He can't be serious. "But don't mind me, i'm not an expert, and neither those magazines you read so..."

He was right, how could I be so stupid? I made decisions based on some article i read on the internet, on the internet! I felt kind of guilty for eating more than one plate of breakfast, now i had to burn those calories, but i was so tired... I had never thrown up two days in a row, i only did it when it was an emergency because i knew it wasn't right. I guess i'll have to walk around the ship to burn the breakfast... I got lost in my thoughts when i felt a pair of hands grabbing me by the waist.

"You look so hot in those leggings"

"Mmm thanks Cal"

"Why did you stop calling me babe?"

"I did?"

"Yes, you did. We use to call each other pet names all the time"

"I'm sorry... i guess i've been a little depressed lately..."

"Why didn't you talk to me?"

"I... i don't know"

"We used to tell each other everything, what happened Rose? You've not being yourself since-"

"I really don't want to talk about him"

"I lost my mom when i was younger" he said out of nowhere. I turned around and looked at him in the eyes, something I hadn't done in a long time. "I don't remember her very much, she died giving birth to my brother James, but i do have memories now and then of her teaching me how to ride a bike. I grew up wanting to know how it felt to have a mom to come from school everyday, to cook your favorite meal and defend you when your dad gets mad. I just... wanted you to know that I know how you feel, and i'm really sorry about your dad"

I squeezed his hands and caressed his face with my thumb "I thought your parents were divorced"

"No, that's what we say because my dad doesn't want James knowing she died in order for him to live. He thinks he might feel bad"

"Oh, i understand..."

"Please don't tell anyone about this"

"Don't worry, you have my word"

He responded with a soft kiss on the lips; his lips were warm and they traveled lovingly through mine, contrasting his cold personality and movements "Open your heart to me, Rose. You know there's nothing i couldn't give you, there's nothing i'd deny you... if you don't deny me"

________________________________________

Rose couldn't know he was abused as a child, how could she? If Cal hid behind a facade of arrogance most of the time. Perhaps he would tell her someday... but not today. At the moment, Rose had other things to worry about...

________________________________________

"Come to bed with me..."

"Cal..."

"Please"

I didn't want to, I really didn't want to... but I felt bad for him so I did. I let his hands wander my body but I didn't want to. How can I say no when he tells me he feels alone? When he makes me feel like I'm being a bad girlfriend and a bad person by saying no? Every time those words came out of his mouth I knew it was a battle I had to fight, a war I had lost more times that I won...

This was all about strategy, to make a smarter plan and lead the soldiers to a victory... nobody told me emotions could be involved. Emotional manipulation? Smart or weak move?

I'm giving up, I'm giving myself to him. Deep down I long for a hand to pull me back, someone to save me from the things I don't want to do because I'm weak enough to not do anything, i choose to not stand up for myself because he will feel bad and that's another war. And I'm tired of fighting.

It was inevitable, I was a people pleaser without limits. I had lost the battle, and I bled for it.