Love at detours // Severus Snape

Chapter 18

Elena's Occlumency lessons were every second day, so she stood in front of Snape's door on Wednesday, again. She felt really nervous, they hadn't talked about their kiss yet, and she hadn't seen him the whole Tuesday. Thinking about Monday made her blush extremely. She tried to calm down before knocking, then she entered.

"Good morning", she greeted him and tried not to seem too nervous. Snape was unpredictable, she did not know whether he would address the topic, act like nothing happened, or even be mean to her.

The girl sat down at her usual seat and observed his behavior. He did not seem any different from normal; it was like Monday never happened. This upset her a little, but she knew that she shouldn't have set her expectations too high – it was just a kiss, after all... Her first kiss.

Snape saw, that she seemed a bit off. He was no fool; it was obvious that there was a weird atmosphere because of the last lesson. She told him that she had feelings for him, and they kissed – he never actually confessed his feelings, though. But it was obvious; he even told her, that it would be hard to stay away from her.

"Today, I planned to teach you about different methods for freeing your mind. We will not practice today, it is only theory. We will go to my office for that," he told her and stood up. Elena followed him silently and was relieved about the fact, that he wouldn't be roaming through her mind that day. The only things she was able to think about were the kiss and his hands on her waist. It was impossible to concentrate on their lesson.

When he opened the door to his office, she couldn't suppress a little cough. Her Professor picked up a book from his desk while she took a seat. "Why does it smell like you sprayed ten bottles of your cologne in here?", Elena asked while suppressing another cough. It was really intense.

Snape tensed up a bit when those words left her mouth and her cheeks turned red. Maybe she shouldn't always say what she was thinking... Maybe she should just shut up sometimes. But it was too late for that.

He cleared his throat and put down the book he picked up only a second ago, and Elena saw, that the page about Amortentia was opened. Elena opened her mouth to say something, but no sound left her throat. She literally just told him that she smelt him, that he was the one she found most attractive. This was an extremely awkward situation she got herself in.

Snape closed the cauldron where the potion was and put it onto one of the many shelves in that room. He had prepared it for future lessons and had not expected this to happen. Now, he knew that he had to bite the bullet and address the topic they were both nervous about. The fact that he mastered hiding his emotions was helpful, he did not want to show how he was truly feeling. Maybe he would when they discussed everything.

"We have something to discuss before we continue with your lesson," the black-haired professor stated reserved while he made his way back to the seat the Slytherin girl was sitting on. Elena's heart was racing again, this was the talk she was imagining scenarios about since Monday. She nodded and bit her lip from nervousness.

The girl was pretty sure that there was nothing left to say on her side. She already confessed her feelings for him. But they never really voiced how they would continue.

"Sorry... uh... Next time, I'll think before I speak," she said and referred to the situation with the Amortentia potion. Snape, on the other hand, thought, that she meant the words she said two days ago. He thought, that she took back the things she said, and that she actually did not feel anything for him. In his perspective, she pulled a prank on him and succeeded. They really needed to work on their communication.

He actually had been thinking about the possibility of them together, but these words showed him, that he would never find love. He should have known after everything with Lily happened, he just was not worth it.

Elena waited nervously for his response – and she was disappointed, again. Snape looked at her with the coldest look she had ever seen and asked: "Has your curiosity been sated?"

She did not quite understand what he meant or what was happening in general. "Excuse me?", she answered and hoped that he would elucidate his statement. "Was this a bet between you and your friends or did you just want to see how it would feel like to kiss a teacher for the experience?"

The girl in front of him stood up and crossed her arms, looking him in the eyes. "Do you really think that this is why everything happened?", she asked a bit hurt. He just raised one eyebrow, signalizing her to continue talking.

Elena couldn't believe that this was how little he thought of her. He actually believed that it was a game or that she just wanted to be able to say that she once kissed the Potions Master. "I had the experience when I took the love potion, I would not repeat it if that was the only reason," she scoffed. She wasn't able to confess her feelings after he accused her of using him; it was a defense mechanism. Elena wasn't just a curious teen, trying to experiment - and she did not know when he would realize that.

Weren't the memories enough? Or the fact that she smelt him in her Amortentia? Or that she kissed him? He literally saw her admitting to Draco that she had a crush on him, and he saw how she felt whenever she was near him. It was obvious, but he just didn't want to understand.

She decided to try one last time, and then she would give up. "It's not a game, nor an experiment, Snape," the girl said and her gaze softened. The Professor looked into her eyes, searching for a hint that she was lying, but he couldn't find any.

He had low self-esteem, but no one really knew that about him. Snape always seemed like the egoistic, self-confident, hated Potions Professor, he didn't seem like the type of person who had a terrible childhood and was acting like this as a defense mechanism. No one knew he was scared to ever fall in love again, that he had a fear of commitment.

But if anyone knew the situation he was in, they would understand. If someone became too important to him, this person would be in danger. The dark lord would use that person against him, and he just couldn't deal with the loss of another loved one. He couldn't deal with him being the reason for one's death, once again.

"You don't know me," he answered. She really did not. They often talked, of course. She knew about many shallow things, but she did not know about the things that mattered. And he couldn't just tell her about it. He would risk failing the task he got from Dumbledore if he told her. And he couldn't even blame her if it failed then, it would be absurd to not be scared of a death eater.

"Then allow me to get to know you..?", she said shyly. It was weird, they were standing in the exact same position as the time they kissed. But this time, it was different; Snape was much more repellent. "You wouldn't want that."

Elena was confused. She had never seen him act like this; he always seemed so proud and self-confident. When did all of that confidence disappear? She didn't know what a broken man Severus was, how horrible his past and his present were. She did not know about his duties. But most importantly, she still knew that she had feelings for him and that she didn't want to give him up.

"I am sure that I want to know you, Professor," she said. He was struggling with himself. The girl he had feelings for, didn't give up on him even though he gave her enough opportunities to do so in the last few days. Could he give her a chance? 

Of course, he wasn't naïve. Snape couldn't just tell her about his duties, about his past, or generally about anything. But wouldn't he hurt her by hiding this information? What if their relationship actually worked out, and she would see the dark mark on his left arm? He did not know. But he didn't need to know, yet.

"Call me Severus," he said. These words were enough to form a huge smile on Elena's lips. He wasn't distancing himself! He was giving her a chance, and she knew that she wanted to do everything to not make him regret this choice. "Call me Elena."