Sweet Penelope

Home was Never a Place

Allison gently shook me. I slowly opened my eyes and yawned. "Sorry but it's almost noon and I planned on shopping today. I thought you'd want to come with." I sat up and rubbed my head. "Sure, I'll come." Allison grinned. "Girl's day?" I raised my eyebrows. "Uh, yeah. We can call it that." She started laughing. "I don't have any girlfriends so yeah, I will call it that. I'm going to finish getting dressed so you have time to get ready." She had curled her long auburn hair and she had on ripped jeans with hightop converse. She looked gorgeous and I wanted to tell her but she walked away before I got the chance.

I dug through my duffel bag and found a change of clothes. I changed in the living room and then knocked on Allison's bedroom door. "You can come in." I walked into her bedroom and she was sitting in front of a mirror, doing her makeup. "I was just going to put my dirty clothes in the hamper." She dipped her mascara back into its tube. "Oh, it's on the other side of my bed," I tossed my dirty clothes into the hamper and I looked back at her. She was tapping a brush on a foundation pallet. "You don't really need makeup, you know?" She looked at me through the mirror. "Thank you. Makeup is a form of art and it's fun to consider myself an artist." She giggled. I smiled. "Well, you're a beautiful work of art without it too." My face burned red and so did hers. I looked down. Allison sat the makeup down. "Thank you. Nobody's ever said that to me." I nodded. "That surprises me. You look very pretty all of the time. I wanted to tell you that before I forgot." She stood up and walked over to me and gave me a hug. "Thank you, Mason." I squeezed her and the smell of vanilla perfume filled my nostrils. She smelled amazing too.   She pulled back from the hug and looked up into my eyes. Her green eyes intimidated my dirt colored brown eyes. She slowly leaned it and my heart felt like it was going to explode. I met her halfway as our lips gently touched. I closed my eyes and she wrapped her arms around my neck. I hesitantly placed my hands on her hips. I didn't keep count in my head, but the kiss lasted at least twenty seconds. Allison gently pulled away and smiled up at me. "All of the dudes that I have kissed turned into assholes. Please don't turn into an asshole." I smiled. "Doing my best."

Mental illness is a hard thing to explain, it effects everyone's brain differently. For me, it happened in spurts. Small reminders of my trauma, and memories of my little sister always brought on the destroying thoughts. And of recent, Kirk's wise words and advice broke my heart. I loved thinking of him and the things he said, but knowing I'd never hear him say them again broke me. As I walked through the mall with Allison, I tried to keep a steady head. But it felt impossible to fight one of the most important organs in your own body. A civil war happening inside of your own body, I could never seem to win. Allison was excited and full of energy, pointing at things and laughing at everything. And I was struggling, trying to mask my inner pain for her so that she could enjoy her day. The mall brought back floods of memories, I remembered being a young teenager and walking through this same mall while holding Penelope's hand. I could feel my mind crumbling and I couldn't glue the pieces back together. My mind came towering the rest of the way down when I saw a plastic Barbie doll inside of a store. The same one that Penelope begged for, and Cheryl gave in and got for her. She struggled the whole car ride home trying to rip the doll out of its box. I almost smiled but the beautiful memory was shadowed by the dark creature that took her away from me. Penny never really had the chance to enjoy her Barbie doll. Or her life. I clenched my fists by my side and a small tear rolled down my cheek. Allison frowned. "Mason? What's wrong?" I wiped it away quickly. "Can we sit down on the bench over there?" Allison nodded and gently grabbed my hand, leading me to the bench. She sat down her shopping bags full of clothes and focused her attention onto me. "I'm sorry, Allison. I didn't mean to ruin our day." She rolled her eyes. "Oh, shut up. I don't need to spend any more money anyway. What's wrong? I saw that tear. Did I do something wrong?" I shook my head. "No, just having a rough day. You haven't done anything wrong. I'll be okay." She put her hand on my knee. "You know it's okay to talk to me. Uh, I hate to ask, but is it your dad? Are you missing him?" I nodded. "Yeah. That's part of it. He always had a remedy. I miss him so much. The other part is my sister, I miss her like crazy too." Allison pushed her hair behind her ear. "Penelope was her name, right?" I put my face into my hands. I hadn't heard her sweet name in so long, it hurt to hear it again. Allison stood up and picked up the bags. "Come on. We'll talk about it at home, okay?" Home. The place my heart yearned and begged for my entire life wasn't a place at all. It was a person.

We sat on Allison's couch and she was waiting for me to open up to her. I was scared, I couldn't form the words. I rubbed my head. "Look, I don't really know how to talk about it and I'm sorry." Allison took a sip of her water. "I want to know you. Um, have you ever seen a therapist?" I didn't take offense to the question though I felt I should have. "No. If I can't tell you, I can't tell a total stranger who is there for their paycheck only." She nodded. "I never thought of it like that. Just please, Mason. I want to know what's going on in your head." I walked over to my duffel bad and pulled my journal out. I sat it in her lap. "Kirk, my dad, gave me that. He struggled to get me to open up too. My whole mind is in that book. Allison, if you weren't so special and if you weren't my first kiss, I wouldn't ever let you touch that book. Read it." She slowly picked my journal up. "Are you sure it's okay?" I nodded. She flipped to the first page and she began to read. I watched her closely, as she read each page and flipped through the book slowly and carefully.

When Allison made it to the final page, her eyes were filled with tears. She sat the journal back into my lap. "Mason, I...I don't know what to say." She pulled me into a warm tight hug. "Now you know me." She nodded and wiped her eyes. "I'm so sorry. I would take it all away right now if I had that power." A tear rolled down my cheek. "Me too."

I had never cried with someone. I had always cried alone in my bed. Allison changed that. We laid on the couch and we held each other, which was new to me too. She cried into my shoulder, and I cried into hers. It was special and I felt safe. She buried her head into my chest and I rubbed her hair. She was a beautiful existence and I felt honored to be here with her.