Sweet Penelope

Downcast

Kirk let me sleep in as late as I wanted. I heard a pan in the kitchen sizzling and Kirk singing along to a small radio he had sitting on the counter. I sat up and rubbed my head. "Morning, kid. Breakfast is on it's way." My brain was clouded. Waking up without Penelope was getting harder and harder. I felt so alone. I never imagined a life without her because I didn't think it would ever be a reality. And now thinking upon it, I had taken all of our precious years together for granted. Regret and guilt seem to be the first phases of grief, blaming yourself for things you initially had no control of. She never got to visit the "dog orphanage" and I knew that it was high on her checklist. I wasn't ever able to buy her a true gift either. Penelope never complained about a thing. I know in her last moments she was terrified. She knew what was going to happen, and she had no idea what would come next. I wondered where she was at the moment, if there was an afterlife and if maybe she was painting a picture with Van Gogh. The thoughts brought me a small chunk of hope, but the thought that she was just "sleeping" and surrounded in darkness and confusion crushed that hope.

Breakfast was served, and Kirk and I sat in silence again. I didn't have much of an appetite, the food was good but I just didn't want to eat. He finally broke the silence. "I was doing some thinking last night and I think you'd be a good farmhand. I'll teach you how to do stuff and I'll pay you an allowance weekly. You save up and eventually, you can go out on your own." I nodded. "That sounds good. Can you teach me to shoot a gun?" Kirk smiled. "I'd love to, kid. You wanting to hunt?" I took a drink of milk. "Yeah, something like that." Kirk lit up immediately. "Awesome. I'll teach you and then we can hunt around the farm. Coyotes are a constant annoyance, so maybe they'll be your target practice." I smiled. Handling a gun well would come in handy.

By the end of the day, I had mucked stalls, fed cows, brushed horses, stacked hay, and collected eggs. My whole body ached, but I couldn't complain. Kirk was helping me, it was only right for me to help him. I came inside, and Kirk smiled at me. "You did good today." I took my jacket off and hung it on the coat rack. "Thanks." Kirk stood up. "Put your jacket back on, I'm going to start teaching you to shoot."

Kirk explained gun safety to me first. He said that it was the most important thing to shooting guns, and that everything could go wrong if I didn't follow the rules. I paid attention, and made mental notes in my head. He described every part of the gun to me next, and how to load and unload. Finally, he handed the rifle to me. "Okay Mason, you see that soda can sitting on that tree limb. Put the crosshairs right on it and gently pull the trigger." I closed one eye and looked down through the scope. I seen the Coke can and I took a deep breath. I imagine the can as Daniel's face with his gross smirk staring back at me. I gently pulled the trigger. The Coke can fell from the tree and I put the rifle on safety as Kirk instructed. "Great job. I told you could do it. Now, shoot at the pinecones and keep track of what you hit. Reload when you need and be safe. Proud of you, kid." I smiled. "Thank you. It's easier than I thought." I started shooting the pinecones from the tree, missing one every so often. I enjoyed shooting the gun and I know Kirk enjoyed teaching me. My shoulder was soon throbbing from the kick of the rifle and I decided to call it a night.

I woke up at six in the morning and got an early start. The hard work was a good distraction from my thoughts. I finished everything up around noon, and went inside. Kirk had a water for me in the freezer and I was quick to get it. "Mason, I'd like to talk to you about something. Sit down." I sat down at the table with Kirk, and I felt my stomach tie into a knot. Had I done something wrong? I hoped he wasn't tired of me yet. He scratched his beard and sighed. "I don't expect you to ever open up to me. It's a lot to ask of you, I know that. But I really want you to open up to yourself, and that might be confusing but your mind isn't in a good place." He pushed a small journal towards me. "Write in it every night before bed. Don't keep that shit bottled up, it'll eat you alive." I picked the journal up and flipped through the pages. "I'll try, Kirk." He smiled. "Well, that's all I'll ever ask of you."

I stepped into the shower and the water was steaming hot. I closed my eyes and tried to escape this reality. I missed Penelope so much. I was losing my mind, I was scared of who I was going to become. I felt myself going crazier everyday, with more and more hate on my mind. I started to cry and the tears mixed with the water. I needed to write in the journal as soon as I got out.