Father First| An Alan Rickman Story

Hanging in the Balance

     Alan's phone began ringing off the hook and then Emily's started ringing too. They were both painfully aware of why friends and family were flooding them with calls. That photo had been shared.

     "I'm sorry, Em..." Alan's eyes that usually shined with happiness and mischief were filled with sadness and fear. He was mentally broken down and exhausted from the events of the night. "I had thought about how we would soon proudly tell the world about our relationship. Everyone is finding out in the worst way possible and now you being here to support me has thrown you into a ring of gossip."

     "You don't have any reason to be sorry... You didn't leak the photograph and I don't mind anyone knowing we are together. I'm proud to be with you. I will simply tell my close family and friends we are here for someone close to us. I won't break you or your daughter's privacy." she responded, taking his hand.

     His phone rang again and this time he flipped it open, his brother's number flashing across the screen. "I can't ignore all of these, people will panic." He lifted the phone to his ear and took a deep breath.

     "Let me run and find you some clean clothes while you talk to everyone," she whispered. She kissed his cheek and headed out of the room.

     He talked to what felt like a million people and each conversation got harder for him to get through. The more he told the story, the more reality set in. He was finally freed from his phone when Emily returned with a fresh set of clothes.  At this point, hours had passed since they'd taken him out of Ashleigh's room. He was desperate to know how she was doing. A young woman finally came in to give him an update.

     "Mr. Rickman, I'm Dr. Melanie Brooke. I've been caring for your daughter. We've gotten her stable."

     "So, she's going to be alright?"

     "It's hard to tell right now. When she woke up from the initial seizure, she couldn't remember where she was, but asked for you. She remembered you and could tell us about herself, but she couldn't remember the circumstances that got her here. This isn't uncommon after a seizure, but her memory didn't get better. We sent her for a CT scan to see if her head injury caused the seizure. She had another during the scan though. This time, she didn't seem to remember anything at all. Since she asked for you and remembered you before, we showed her a photo of you. She had no idea who you were. She couldn't even tell us her own name. She ..." he raised his hand signaling her to pause.

     "But her memory will come back?"

     "I can't say for sure. Her memory didn't improve while we waited for the scans to be reviewed. She had one more small seizure during that waiting. She hasn't woken from that one. The scans showed significant swelling of her brain and a bleed in between her skull and brain from the blow she took to the head earlier. We've inserted a drain to keep the blood off of her brain and help ease the swelling. The bleed was above the hippocampus which controls memory. Brain injury can be irreversible. The swelling could have also damaged other areas of her brain. Right now, all we can really do is wait and see if she wakes up and how she responds if she does. I can take you to see her, if you'd like."

     "Please." He followed behind her trying to comprehend what he'd just been told. He caught how she said, "if." She passed over the word quickly, but he was clinging to it. She might not wake up. If she did wake up, her memory could be gone. She'd never be the same.

     He rushed to his Ashleigh's side when he entered the room. One of the doctor's was talking about her other injuries, how they had to set four broken bones and tend to each cut and bruise. He could see the purple casts on her right arm and lower right leg. She had a large bandage wrapped around her head with the drain hanging out of it. There were bandages and bruises all over her body. He barely recognized the battered girl he was looking at.

     "Ash, you're going to be ok. Please just keep fighting. I love you." He wasn't sure she could hear him, but he hoped she could. He was trying to comfort himself just as much as he was her. He'd spend the next three days telling her she'd be ok, telling her how loved she was. By saying it out loud, he was trying to convince himself as well.
 
     After three days, the possibly of her waking up was growing smaller and smaller. Alan hadn't slept more than an hour or two a night and he was barely eating anything. He'd barely left Ashleigh's room. It seemed like everyone around him was giving up and he was beginning to think he should to.

     The chair beside Ashleigh's bed pulled out into a make shift bed. Emily had put a sheet on it and gotten him fresh pillows for the night. "Please try to get some sleep tonight," she pleaded with him.

     "What if she wakes up?" His eyelids were heavy and he was struggling to even keep his eyes open.

     "Take her hand. If she wakes up, you'll feel her move." He couldn't argue with that, he couldn't keep himself awake any longer. He took her limp hand and gave up the fight for sleep.

     He had been dreaming that he was sitting beside her bed, holding her hand just as he actually was, and felt her hand move inside his. She had sat up in bed remembering everything and able to answer every question the doctors asked her. He jolted awake mumbling, "she's awake!"

     "Alan, what'd you say?" Emily groggily answered.

     He was still half asleep, "she's awake!" He looked over to her, realizing she was still very much unconscious.

     "You were dreaming, love. Go back to sleep.."

     He slumped back down and closed his eyes again when he felt Ashleigh's hand twitch. He grabbed the remote on the bedside table and pushed the call button, calling a doctor to the room.

     "Alan, what're you doing? She's not awake, it was just a dream. There's no need to call for a doctor." She put her hand on his chest trying to lay him back down.

     He felt another movement, "she's moving her hand!!"