Verbatim [h.s]

One

4 Years Later

I figured at the age of 22,  I'd have my dream career path, house and possibly a long-time boyfriend. But instead, I work at a florist with my psychology degree just sat collecting dust. Ever since that fateful night on my 18th birthday, my life quite simply turned upside down. I never went out again, and if I did then it'd end 10 minutes later with an explosive panic attack. Which made for a real struggle during university.

God, University some of the best and worst years of my life. I met my best friend Audrey there, she thankfully moved into my flat a few weeks late and saved me from the peer pressure of my fellow housemates. I'd pre-drink with them but then it'd be the same argument with them trying to drag me out, you'd after the first several panic attacks they'd get the message that I'm a lost cause.

Audrey came, geeky and quiet, my perfect person. We'd study with one another, go shopping and get drunk in our rooms. Over the years, she's gotten rowdier and more confident. You wouldn't think she was ever the way she was. However, she still never pressured me at all to go out with them but always left an open invitation which I appreciated. She didn't treat me like I was super fragile but constantly telling me reaffirmations that I need to hear to get through the anxiety.

Back to uni, I met my first and only boyfriend. The one I gave myself to. Several times. And all times, he didn't or couldn't get me off. The only orgasm I have had has been at my own hands. I don't even know if men know how to please a woman because he certainly didn't. He also claimed to not be a virgin but everything about him screamed virgin to me. Well, 3 months later that was dead in the water as was my whole love life that I never revived again.

I guess you could say that after the shooting, I had PTSD. I couldn't go out clubbing or even to the pub. I mean I tried again and again but it never ended well. I figured I'd just be one of those that doesn't go out. Which doesn't help when meeting new people. So, that is why I only have my best friend Audrey and then my mum, Rose, who is my bestest friend. We're more like sisters.

My dad left when I was born, I have 0 memories of him. I've seen photos of him with Max, my brother, he seemed happy. But somehow me coming along sent him running for the hills. But that's okay, I have my mum. We're inseparable and closer especially because my brother Max had been AWOL most of my life. He didn't take my dad leaving very well, he is 6 years older than me, so we were never going to be closer, but he just took himself out of my life completely.

Eventually, my stepdad came along. He stuck around for a few years, he seemed to like me, a lot more than my own dad, so I enjoyed his company. Although, things soon went pear-shaped because my mum randomly divorced him when I was 16 and I never saw him again. I wasn't sad to see him go really, it just meant that mum and I could be even closer. Ever since I graduated university, we've spent every Saturday night together eating a fat take away and chick-flick comedies.

Up until right now, I have stuck to my usual routine of work at the florists, living with Audrey in our London apartment and going home for a wild Saturday night with my mum.

However, things are changing tonight.

Somehow, Audrey has convinced, maybe bullied me, into trying again. To go out to a club. It was an instant no when she first asked, we had a huge chase around the apartment until she tackled me to the ground and pinned my hands to either side of my head. I know I said she doesn't peer pressure me but this was different, she was adamant I would love this place. She said it wasn't like anything we'd ever been to before. It also came after weeks and weeks of talking with my mum, both of them trying to persuade me to go out once again. It has been two years since I last tried to go out, and I had been saying over the past year that I would like to venture out eventually.