For Honor or Glory

Not Me

Chapter 64

Alex wasn't sure how long she had stood there in the circle of Genesis's arms. Now that she had stopped crying, she realized just how difficult her position was and how conflicted it made her. It felt so right, so good, but just thinking that caused pain to ripple through her. It was an illusion that she could not hold onto—not if she wanted to maintain the last of her sanity.

She stood there several more moments while she gathered the courage to step back. When she did, Genesis cupped one of her cheeks. It took all she had to reach up and gently pull it off. The tenderness in his eyes twisted to confusion and anger when she released his hand and took a step back.

Before he could say anything, She caught his eye and said, "Genesis, just because I love you doesn't mean this will work."

He shocked her when he didn't blow up, though he didn't answer right away. Instead, he closed his eyes and took a few breaths before he opened them and said, "I am not asking for things to go back to how they were. I can see that would be impossible, yet that does not mean we cannot start over."

Alex was almost swayed. Part of her wanted that chance to try. It broke her heart to take another step away, but she did anyway. She felt tears welling up again, but she managed to blink them back as she said, "Genesis, I wish it were that easy, but you and I both know it isn't. Even if we did start over, I love you, but I don't trust you."

His eyes widened, and it looked as though he was about to say something scathing, but Alex held up a hand and continued. "That is only part of the problem. I know—I know there are reasons for you not to trust me too. I hate that it has come to this, but you can't deny it. If we were to start over, the first time we had a fight, it would come back, and we would both get hurt even worse."

Genesis ignored the distance as he tried to retake her hand. She didn't let him, but he still said, "Alexandra, I would never want to hurt you in such a way. I understand why you did what you did. I cannot claim I would not have done the same had our situations been reversed."

She shook her head as she said, "It's easy to say that now, but I know you. I know me too. It would get brought up or at least thought about. It would only cause a rift. Please, don't make this harder than it has to be. I—I want you to be happy."

His eyes narrowed as he said, "If you wish me to be happy, then say yes. That is all I require."

Alex felt a couple of tears fall. The part of her that wanted to give in and kiss Genesis senseless was growing, but it was still small compared to her doubt. She knew they would never work, plus there was a small portion in the back of her mind that told her she may no longer want it to, even if that truth did hurt.

She pushed all of that back as she responded, "You think that now, but we are not meant to be. I do want you to be lucky enough to find another to love, and even though this kills me to say, I believe you will be someday. You'll find someone that you can take all these lessons we've learned together and make her happiest woman alive. I want nothing but the best for you, but it isn't me."

Her tears were flowing freely now, but she shocked him when she stepped forward and kissed his cheek as she whispered. "It may take a while, but the only thing I want is for you to be loved by someone that deserves you—someone you can love unconditionally in return."

She stepped back and continued, "You were always my best friend. I don't know if we will ever get back there, and I regret that more than anything. Still, if you ever figure out how to forgive me, remember that."

Her voice choked as she stepped back again. When he didn't say anything in response, she turned and fled. She meant every word she said, but that didn't mean her heart wasn't broken all over again. Though this time, she could tell it was like a wound that had been cleaned. It would take time, but she would heal. If only everything else in her life would work out that way.